Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC

  • Published: 03 September 2016
  • Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?

    In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.

    Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 301

  • Punam_kd
    Punam_kd  4 days back

    This really deserves way more views

    • Jonathan Hoffman
      Jonathan Hoffman  1 weeks back

      Ambassadors = Neocortex
      Primitives = Subcortical area of brain
      Automated tasks = Procedural memory

      You think you know each other so you stop being present.
      When we feel good we don't care that much and when we don't feel good we care a whole lot.
      We are supposed to have each others back.
      Our nature job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure.

      • Makayla Mayes
        Makayla Mayes  1 weeks back

        My partner wants space instead of trying to get through disagreements... idk what to do anymore..

        • Kara Gerlock
          Kara Gerlock  1 weeks back

          This is such a good listen/ watch.. Breaks it down easy and simplified.. Makes perfect sense, wish I had seen this years ago!!

          • Julia Ramirez
            Julia Ramirez  3 weeks back

            aw that was so good and insightful! one of the best ted talks ive seen!

            • visualelement 7design
              visualelement 7design  3 weeks back

              Right on point

              • Gulizara Roth
                Gulizara Roth  4 weeks back

                Every couple should watch this VDO before getting married.

                • Carolina Pacheco
                  Carolina Pacheco  1 months back

                  I love this. Thank you

                  • laura rivero
                    laura rivero  1 months back

                    i really needed to hear that

                    • Kelvin Isibor
                      Kelvin Isibor  1 months back

                      If you know that you are not ready for a relationship, a marriage, a commitment, why go into one and continue to cheat and lie? I was dying internally for my unfaithful girlfriend, I had no proof, no one to run to. Everyone thought I was paranoid. until I was referred to kellycyberhud @ gmailcom. He understood me well and helped me to hack my girlfriend's mail and WhatsApp to find the truth. I just want to say openly thank you. Contact him today by email at [email protected] He also performs other hacking operations, such as deleting criminal records, upgrading the results. he is that good.

                      • Patricia Bartosik
                        Patricia Bartosik  2 months back

                        Face to Face communication wins; everything else loses. I know.

                        • calli telford
                          calli telford  2 months back

                          Stan touches on so many great points, his talk is packed with good info.

                          • Peter Hart
                            Peter Hart  2 months back

                            Brilliant man !!!

                            • H1GHD3FF
                              H1GHD3FF  2 months back

                              I never been so emotionally stable and balance not being in a relationship, yet I feel like I have no soul

                              • MD kayes rony
                                MD kayes rony  2 months back

                                Doing the same work, going back to the same home. Routine bores me. I did some adventures. The effect was terrible. Suicide was my last hope. Then Moses Emmets YT Channel came into my life. What can i call it? My savior? May be!

                                • Farida Yasmin
                                  Farida Yasmin  2 months back

                                  Very informative video

                                  • MOUHCINE MOUHCINE
                                    MOUHCINE MOUHCINE  2 months back

                                    i needed this thnx, now i can do it right

                                    • Disney Watchers
                                      Disney Watchers  2 months back

                                      I appreciate this talk

                                      • Wendy J. Bailey
                                        Wendy J. Bailey  2 months back

                                        Brilliant talk!

                                        • richslegacy
                                          richslegacy  3 months back

                                          Get money, problem solved .

                                          • saramations
                                            saramations  3 months back

                                            Relationships are hard because they were never easy.

                                            • lady Miamia
                                              lady Miamia  3 months back


                                              • Kae Tuk
                                                Kae Tuk  3 months back

                                                I can't stand any of these kind of video which trying to explain relationship in a biological way, it's too dry and not practical, I just can't.

                                                • ya like JAZZ?
                                                  ya like JAZZ?  4 months back

                                                  4:25 damn.

                                                  • lili M
                                                    lili M  4 months back

                                                    well, a relationship can not survive loss of safety if one of the partner threat to leave a relationship? sometimes one says 'im leaving' while the other is the one who actually checked out long time ago by not giving/investing fully. In that case, the partner who is leaving just make it official. In other words, sometimes one of the party, push you to that edge!

                                                    • Melissa Trinh
                                                      Melissa Trinh  4 months back

                                                      Excellent video

                                                      • Jonathan Amen
                                                        Jonathan Amen  4 months back

                                                        These talks always feel way too short.

                                                        • Diana Tavares
                                                          Diana Tavares  5 months back


                                                          • you are my world
                                                            you are my world  5 months back

                                                            im only 15 and ive been with multiple girls that i loved , but its like when we finally get together or become “official” i lose all the feelings i had.

                                                            every relationship ive had has only lasted for so long.

                                                            • Ava Devine
                                                              Ava Devine  5 months back

                                                              5:26 , 8:17

                                                              • Chuck Norris
                                                                Chuck Norris  5 months back

                                                                Relationships are hard because the people in the relationship make it that way. Its not that hard when you communicate effectively, are honest, and choose not to argue over every little thing. Alot of couples (on both sides of the spectrum) seem to have these weird high expectations of one another. Like being able to read their minds and know when to talk and when to back off. If you both stay honest, talk about things, whatever they might be, have good morals and dont have some knowingly or unknowingly urge for drama and conflict all the time then that should be all it takes to create a healthy relationship or even marriage

                                                                • Kerem Albayrak
                                                                  Kerem Albayrak  5 months back

                                                                  Look I understand the presenters perception very well but it’s rare and not normal to have such conscience while everything is happening. It makes you keep one eye open which will lead to a lot of bad things happening. Trust, Love & friendship will be so much harder to accept as humans. You won’t be able to give your all and accept it or ever be sure you want the relationship. This is not only with relationship but a lot of other stuff in life. Too much math like this will make you a miserable person and so unsure about your decisions. From experience my best way of doing these things is just following your heart and not your brain

                                                                  • Michelle Diep
                                                                    Michelle Diep  5 months back

                                                                    Thank you Stan. Your video has made me realise a few things about my own relationship.

                                                                    • icecrmpntjb
                                                                      icecrmpntjb  5 months back

                                                                      This is a really interesting perspective

                                                                      • Abdo Abdo
                                                                        Abdo Abdo  6 months back


                                                                        • A New Love Official
                                                                          A New Love Official  6 months back

                                                                          He has a great mind and I just want to thank you for sharing your great ideas for us. I absolutely enjoyed this video.

                                                                          • phil aillevie
                                                                            phil aillevie  7 months back

                                                                            But it doesn’t explain why relationships are hard, does it ?

                                                                            • cvt cvt
                                                                              cvt cvt  7 months back

                                                                              It's always been the woman's fault in my experience.

                                                                              • Andrew Jones
                                                                                Andrew Jones  7 months back


                                                                                • Mr Hollister
                                                                                  Mr Hollister  7 months back

                                                                                  Amazing!! He spoke volumes in a brief excerpt

                                                                                  • Stella Alcabasa
                                                                                    Stella Alcabasa  7 months back

                                                                                    “You think you know each other so you stop paying attention.”
                                                                                    "Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure."

                                                                                    Beautiful, beautiful talk. I learned so much. But then I realized no matter how much I watch and read about relationships, if he doesn't love me that much, it won't work anyway. Lol.

                                                                                    • Gadgetonomy
                                                                                      Gadgetonomy  7 months back

                                                                                      I can't tell you how much this has helped my relationship with my partner. Thank you so much.

                                                                                      • Kostas stv
                                                                                        Kostas stv  7 months back

                                                                                        Wow! Unbelievable scientist! Great speech! Thank you for all these very useful information!

                                                                                        • Mo Ana
                                                                                          Mo Ana  8 months back

                                                                                          Because it’s better being single ... !!!!

                                                                                          • Melisa Mantilla
                                                                                            Melisa Mantilla  8 months back

                                                                                            8:07 good advice

                                                                                            • Teng Wang
                                                                                              Teng Wang  8 months back

                                                                                              This man speaks the truth because my partner and I have just had a fight and this describes in explicit detail of what went on during our animosity and the progression. Although talking face to face is the solution as described here, unfortunately it has past that stage for me and I have broken up with her.

                                                                                              • Florence Cyprus
                                                                                                Florence Cyprus  8 months back

                                                                                                Such a sweet, calm and ful of wisdom speech...he seems to be a kindhearted understanding man, without exaggerating and showing off, without shouting...he makes me feel so much better.

                                                                                              • Mar Luvs
                                                                                                Mar Luvs  8 months back