Why We Don't Ask Girls on Dates: Film, Psychology, & Fear of Failure | Nuno Belmar | [email protected]

  • Published: 02 August 2017
  • Why is it that some of us fearfully freeze at the idea of asking a girl on a date? What does this have to do with Positive Punishment, David Fincher, and Martin Scorsese? Student filmmaker Nuno Belmar attempts to shed some light on this general fear of failure, through the story of his own failure within the biggest film project of his entire life.

    Nuno Belmar is a student filmmaker from Portugal, who has worked in media production for various groups and companies. He will be studying in New York next year, and uses his film-making experience and passion for psychology to draw conclusions on the fear of failure (something he's come across multiple times throughout his short career).

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

Comments • 563

  • Eddy Colon
    Eddy Colon  6 hours back

    Change failure for "waste of time"

    • Emma C
      Emma C  5 days back

      why are there so many mgtows and low iq woman haters in the comments section...? 🤔

      • Mb. KHATIBI
        Mb. KHATIBI  1 weeks back

        You cannot go and ask every random girl that you see attractive. Just consider if every guy would do that girls would never feel comfortable at public places since too many person would approach them.
        You should just approach a person when you feel you feel something special or get a signal from her at that moment even rejections do not bother you because you try for someone you at least a little care about.

        • Virgil Williams
          Virgil Williams  4 weeks back

          If she didn't show any signs that she's interested in you why go over their to bother her then cry, and complain about women this, and women that. I'm sorry. But it's not her fault if the guy doesn't pay attention to peoples body language.And besides. She was reading a book. Does it looks like she want's to be bothered at that time.

          • Sirena Spades
            Sirena Spades  1 months back

            zzzzz nobody cares about the film stuff... So the real reason that girls rebuff guys is because we are afraid they are creeps. They need a better approach. If they approach in a good way, then they don't get the chocolates in their face (as in the example). However, all guys just ASSUME they will get denied. Almost none even try. I would even guess 99% have never even dared ask a girl out.

            • BOONIQUE
              BOONIQUE  1 months back

              The juice is no longer worth the squeeze.

              • Ajay Bhosale
                Ajay Bhosale  2 months back

                No.. that's wrong. What guys fear is humiliation in public. A dignity once gone is very very difficult to recover, just like trust.
                So it's not fear of failure, but fear of getting insulted, and if it happened around the people who know the guy, it's even worse.

                • Lost in Sauce
                  Lost in Sauce  2 months back

                  Here's the thing though, a lot of men don't care anymore about women. Just family members.

                  • Oz wsda
                    Oz wsda  2 months back

                    clickbait title

                    • Gabriel Kellar
                      Gabriel Kellar  2 months back

                      i wont be too horible to you guys *begins to spray 2/5*

                      • F!zZ
                        F!zZ  3 months back

                        Just Happy there are hookers (my contingency plan). Lmao

                        • demon6937
                          demon6937  3 months back

                          I'm just waiting for human race to go extinct

                          • MysticStrike ForceSSJ3
                            MysticStrike ForceSSJ3  3 months back

                            Yha I like how it's all reverse now. More guys are trying to find real love while girls are trying to have some game in their lives by using men to get what they want. I think that's why some people take so long to really say "I love u" because now people treat love has just buissnes.

                            • steady cruising
                              steady cruising  3 months back

                              If you're an average guy,dont waste your time approaching a beautiful woman.... She has too many options to just choose the average

                              • SageoftheSixPaths
                                SageoftheSixPaths  4 months back

                                I hate that language "rejected" as if it is implying that the asker "is not good enough" its ridiculous. No one ever really gets rejected. The woman is just doing you a favor. When a woman is saying no she isn't interested in dating you what she is really saying is "based on what I have seen about you so far I don't see any compatibility between us/ you are not quite what I am looking for" this is POSITIVE. She has saved you time and money. You can now move on to find someone who does want you, is compatible with you, and is interested in making you happy because you make her happy. REJECTION IS AN ILLUSION. Both acceptance and declining are BOTH GOOD.

                                • Ennis Whalen
                                  Ennis Whalen  2 months back

                                  s o t 6 P - Wow! Rejection is just an illusion? Makes it sound really desirable!

                              • Олега Мирошниченко

                                Kudos to the second girl who chose a red list.... no matter what! But it's a shame she let him spray some water into her face... All the talk is cheap. Sounds ok, but does not work...

                                • kittensofdeath
                                  kittensofdeath  4 months back

                                  You're in a wheelchair? Well just start walking. What are you a coward?

                                • nonubusiness
                                  nonubusiness  4 months back

                                  "The moral is... never try." Homer Simpson.

                                  • Ennis Whalen
                                    Ennis Whalen  2 months back

                                    n u b - No, the moral is. . . " why try to drain the Pacific Ocean with a fork ?"

                                • Tim R
                                  Tim R  4 months back

                                  I've complained and made excuses all my life about why I don't have any girlfriends.

                                  Fact is that
                                  a) I hardly ask any girls out at all (mabye 1 a year)
                                  b) I hardly go out to events where many girls are

                                  When I changed that and did the opposite, I did get girlfriends (after many failures)

                                  I 95% guarantee that many of the men complaining on the internet about women not dating them are doing a) and b) like I did.

                                  • Ennis Whalen
                                    Ennis Whalen  2 months back

                                    Tim R. - Some of you guys just don't get it. These are guys who do never got half as far as you did.They do not complain,they just find other activities, i.e. volunteer work.

                                • Nanying Li
                                  Nanying Li  4 months back

                                  i tell all my crushes i like them...:/

                                  • Greg Chase
                                    Greg Chase  4 months back

                                    As a guy I've rejected women. If they don't take 'no' for an answer I get pretty 'to the point' about it.

                                    We all have the right to reject someone's advances. If a girl gives up on men because I rejected her or because she gets rejected repeatedly, that's her freaking problem. And it's the exact same when roles are reversed.

                                    If you get to the point where the BENEFIT you think you'd get by being in a relationship is LESS THAN the trial-and-error rejection process you have to go through, THAT IS THE TIME TO GIVE UP.

                                    Give it a rest for a year. You can always try to get in a better mindset next year if you feel like it.

                                    And if you get rejected, get away from that situation. THIS IS WHY you should *never* approach someone in any place where you can't get away from it - such as at work. Some people can take rejection day in and day out but those people are in Sales jobs and very few people like a Sales job for themselves.

                                    If you're normal you'll want to fall back and regroup and you can't do that if the person you approached is someone you see everyday, so don't approach people you see every day. Even if you got hooked up for a while, when it ends you're still gonna see the person every day. Yuck.


                                    • Alastar flint
                                      Alastar flint  4 months back

                                      Some people are bitches, so he's not wrong on the dog front

                                      • Magellanic SpaceClouds
                                        Magellanic SpaceClouds  4 months back

                                        Because women are expensive, ungrateful, and a waste of time. There's your answer.

                                        • Mark Gable
                                          Mark Gable  5 months back

                                          He got there in the end. .. I don't think.

                                          • androssteague
                                            androssteague  5 months back

                                            What nationality is he? Because I can hear a bit of an accent and then I can't.

                                            • rolanddes
                                              rolanddes  5 months back

                                              Why ask girls out anyway? Just bash and dash. Thats cheaper easier more fun and that’s what they deserve. I dont wanna date/marry a chick that rejects me in her 20s but wants me in her 30s.

                                              • Eternity Eternity
                                                Eternity Eternity  1 months back

                                                but truth is , in their 20s they prefer the hottest men

                                            • B P
                                              B P  5 months back

                                              I dont ask for dates 'cause i rather get to the point and say "how much it's gonna cost"?

                                              • Ben Silva
                                                Ben Silva  5 months back

                                                In case anyone missed it: The fear of failure comes from the fact that no one is supporting you and often they are making fun of you.

                                                • Jen Mishelin
                                                  Jen Mishelin  5 months back

                                                  This is why I always let guys down easy... Also a asking someone out tip - be chill and friendly about it, no pick-up lines, being creepy, too pushy, sleazy, overly enthusiastic etc. Easy and simple for this example "Hey, nice book, I read it then and there. You like it so far?" Then if it's a + answer you have two option, continue talking a bit, introduce yourself and then ask her out and/or just give her your number for her to call/text you.

                                                  • Ennis Whalen
                                                    Ennis Whalen  2 months back

                                                    biba b b 123 - That just took YOU 8 lines.Can you now see why guys don't bother with something that is such a headache?

                                                • Sarthak Jindal
                                                  Sarthak Jindal  5 months back

                                                  This is the first TED talk that hasn't made any sense whatsoever. How does one justify assault on a guy for asking someone out ?? A girl like that should be booked for such "pretty acts" that amuse people so much. On the top of it, calling it "positive punishment" is just wrong. I thought the west was more into justifying these things. This shows true "women favourism", the real face of feminism.

                                                  • Borutoi Naruto
                                                    Borutoi Naruto  5 months back

                                                    i ham grooth.

                                                    • Meatnyancat22
                                                      Meatnyancat22  5 months back

                                                      You can only get those chocolates thrown at your face so many times before your efforts become futile

                                                      • Abdo Abdo
                                                        Abdo Abdo  6 months back

                                                        Awesome 👍 👍 👍

                                                        • klfmc rjn
                                                          klfmc rjn  6 months back

                                                          this was pointless

                                                          • Guigley
                                                            Guigley  6 months back

                                                            The problem with modern dating is not that complicated. It all comes down to fear. Men are afraid to ask, and women are afraid to say 'yes.' The solution is not that complicated. Men, start asking. Women, start saying 'yes.' Men and women, ditch the false assumptions, stop taking dating so seriously, and TAKE A RISK.

                                                            • chicolofi
                                                              chicolofi  6 months back

                                                              We don't ask girls on dates because all the burden of taking the risk of rejection or facing a rude reaction is on men. That's not fair.

                                                              • Lily Ruff
                                                                Lily Ruff  6 months back

                                                                Why are there so many single people that want to be in a relashionship

                                                                • Croissant Comics
                                                                  Croissant Comics  4 months back

                                                                  Because some people just want someone to love, a companion to bond with.

                                                              • Otho Williams Jr.
                                                                Otho Williams Jr.  6 months back

                                                                Great Message on "Not Giving Up!"✊🏾💪🏾👍🏾✊🏾

                                                                My reason I do not ask women on dates because I am no longer paying for free dates towards the woman. I work hard for all my monies through my blood, sweat, and tears. I have yet to find one woman that *Respects* Me for Me!!👐🏾

                                                                • Ennis Whalen
                                                                  Ennis Whalen  2 months back

                                                                  O.W.,Jr. - Can you just imagine that you could take a young lady out to dinner and a movie, and pay for it,and have her appreciate that she spent some time with you? I guess imagination has gone out the window.

                                                              • eckha
                                                                eckha  7 months back

                                                                I hate this dweeb so much.
                                                                This is pointless video.

                                                                • Sebastian Animator
                                                                  Sebastian Animator  7 months back

                                                                  Dark Souls and real Life resumed in 15 mins, do it, don't give Up.

                                                                • Ray Smyth
                                                                  Ray Smyth  7 months back

                                                                  This is dreadful drivel!

                                                                  • Strang 1
                                                                    Strang 1  7 months back

                                                                    If he stopped talking about himself. I could have been a 3 minute video to say. You have to find out what type of chick is your type and go for them and it's a numbers game. The more you approach the more experienced you become therefore the more tail you slay. Now go get'm.

                                                                    • Christine Hill
                                                                      Christine Hill  7 months back

                                                                      I got tired of dating girls, so I just became one. * shrug *

                                                                      • Rod Schmidt
                                                                        Rod Schmidt  7 months back

                                                                        1. "No, I won't go out with you."
                                                                        2. Repeat step 1 many times.
                                                                        3. "Where have all the good men gone?"

                                                                        • Nada hemeda
                                                                          Nada hemeda  6 days back

                                                                          Rod Schmidt so women should say yes to any one knocks their door, what if she doesn’t like you? And wanting a woman to go out with you doesn’t make you a good man!

                                                                      • Rod Schmidt
                                                                        Rod Schmidt  7 months back

                                                                        "Why I Didn't Finish My Movie For A While, But Then I Did." There, I fixed the title

                                                                        • Rod Schmidt
                                                                          Rod Schmidt  7 months back

                                                                          But then what would Negative Punishment be?

                                                                          • Saalthor Jrundelius
                                                                            Saalthor Jrundelius  7 months back

                                                                            Anyone else jumped to the comment section to see if anyone mentioned the fact he completely refused to acknowledge that girl chose the red paper?

                                                                            • andthenifellinlove
                                                                              andthenifellinlove  7 months back

                                                                              To fail is a First Attempt In Learning. 😊

                                                                              • Stretop Overmind
                                                                                Stretop Overmind  5 months back

                                                                                The First Attempt In Learning is RTFM. To fail is a result of not following this.