Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken | Gary Lewandowski | TEDxNavesink

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  • Published: 28 April 2015
  • Dr. Gary Lewandowski, Jr., professor of psychology at Monmouth University, makes the case that if your relationship doesn’t help you become a better person, ending it does. Leaving a bad relationship provides an opportunity for growth and learning.

    Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr. is a professor and Department Chair at Monmouth University, Director of the Relationship Science Lab, and co-editor/co-creator of ScienceOfRelationships.com. His well-published research focuses on the self and relationships, and his work and expertise have been featured in media outlets (The New York Times, CNN, WebMD, Scientific American Mind, USA Today). Dr. Lewandowski is also a nationally recognized teacher by The Princeton Review among its “Best 300 Professors” list.


    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

Comments • 1 075

  • DarkAdrielm
    DarkAdrielm  12 hours back

    My girlfriend woke up one morning after a long relationship and said “I don’t love you anymore”. After everything....it hurts..I didn’t do anything..😭😞

    • Egle Davidsoniene
      Egle Davidsoniene  20 hours back

      This video gives a lot of information about lovers Hart brake. Thank you. 1M best wishes.

      • Vasco Pita
        Vasco Pita  20 hours back

        im about to breakup with the nicest human being iv ever met, i love her but im not in love with her anymore, my biggest obstacle is hurting her, i hope she can move on and be the best she can be, doesnt make it easier but its the right thing to do. having said that dont mistake ´hollywood love stories´ to real life, love is beautiful but its enjoyment does diminish after a certain time, its both your jobs to grow together as a couple or it will all fall apart. stay safe everyone,

        • Lauren
          Lauren  3 days back

          I feel like death and this video didn't help me

          • traildogg
            traildogg  21 hours back

            i couldn't agree more...good luck with it all

          • Chris Win
            Chris Win  1 days back

            I feel the same. It's been 4 months for me as of tomorrow morning. Each day actually gets worse for me. Week after week I get one day closer to ending this pain. When you lose what's 100% irreplaceable, when what was so precious was selfishly stolen from me, why live a life without joy and love? Why continue to wake up and feel worse for the rest of my life????

        • Adri San
          Adri San  6 days back

          Wow. Beautiful. Thank you very much

          • mutatedfetus66
            mutatedfetus66  6 days back

            “When your relationship doesn’t help you become a better person, ending it does”. Powerful stuff. I ended my last relationship and it’s not any easier than being dumped, but knowing I had to do it because of what the quote above says is very empowering.

            • alana blight
              alana blight  6 days back

              It's day 5 and I feel terrible. I know I can make it through this though, every one of us deserves love and to be loved the way we need to. First, I need to work on myself. Wish me luck!

              • Panko Film
                Panko Film  2 weeks back

                Dennis lloyd brought me here

                • Elliot Brown
                  Elliot Brown  2 weeks back

                  Great video but no need for the apostrophe at 5:36. Damn, maybe that's why my wife is leaving me! (That and the booze).

                  • InSight Dude Perfect
                    InSight Dude Perfect  2 weeks back

                    who is May 2019 , you can see my channel , you won t beleive it

                    • milena elchonova
                      milena elchonova  3 weeks back

                      that 41% were those, who ended the relationship

                      • Michael Ponce
                        Michael Ponce  3 weeks back

                        This is amazing. Rediscovery of the self and routine activities, such a simple, but effective concept. I’d like to add that by practicing and conditioning your mind to be more positive definitely helps with the coping aspect. 🙂

                        • ponzi scheme
                          ponzi scheme  3 weeks back

                          Loneliness, depression, increase crime, increase drug use...

                          -Gary Lewandoesky.


                          Lo dijo en 4 segundos.


                          1:30 min to 1:34 min

                          • Adrian Placencia
                            Adrian Placencia  3 weeks back

                            Why does the stick figure have three legs....or.....oh.

                            • BDhananjaya Buddhika Dhananjaya

                              Thank you sir...

                              • Jerel Barnes
                                Jerel Barnes  4 weeks back

                                Really needed to hear this

                                • Brandon Francey
                                  Brandon Francey  4 weeks back

                                  What does one do when the ex gfs mother was more than a mother to yhe man than the mans mother ever was (who died 15yr ago). The dad ls as good as dead to the person and no other family exists. There is Noone to talk to...

                                  • Chris Win
                                    Chris Win  1 days back

                                    Almost sounds like me. My ex gave me a family but now it's gone. And replacing her can never ever have done by anyone else on Earth. 4 months of this is literally killing me and I won't make it much longer.

                                • Nima Veze
                                  Nima Veze  4 weeks back

                                  I feel kinda hopeless for a long time, had been in a bad relationship, tried to end it twice but gave in when she said lets try I think we can work it out... should have just left, we were together for 2 years at that time. 3-4 months later I was on a bus driving to her with intention to break up, but she started a conversation with important news, she told me she is pregnant, I froze... i didn't even mention the break up, I asked her what she thinks of abortion, because I didn't want a kid with her, we are totally different and don't go along at all. It was out of the question for her, so I respected that, don't want to force a woman to abort a baby. So I decided to stay with her thru pregnancy and was there for her when she gave birth to our son. Thing are going just down down still. He is 3 years old now, and I love him like nothing else. I mentioned her divorce (we got married while she was pregnant), and the only thing she said to that is I'm not giving you the kid, like I wanna take him from her, It kills me to think I'm gonna see him 4-8 times a month, in our country if mom doesn't agree to split the care for kid, they give the custody to her. I'm dying inside, don't know what to do. And I'm totally depressed, can't stand that women, we barley even talk, im just too full of everything... just wanted to share

                                  • Ale Mart
                                    Ale Mart  4 weeks back

                                    I don't know if it's worst when it ends or when it is about to end, I have no idea if mine is going to end but he as been very distant lately, he doesn't text me good morning and good night as before, I have to be always the one initiating the conversation, last 2 weeks we were together for only 2 days, I even confronted him and asked him why he was being like this and he only said: I am sorry if I am being distant, but I don't have the head to think about it now (one of his aunt died) but he's been like this since 2 weeks ago... :C I am so sad because I check my whatsapp every 20mins only with the wish that he would ask me how's my day going, or even a hi or hello.. but nothing he goes online and off and doesn't even mind me.. so I am suffering so badly I even had to take a short break from my office to go cry to the bathroom ... Please someone tell me your opinion or what can I do? :C I want so badly also to call him now but i dont want to come off as needy

                                    • Brutal Chif
                                      Brutal Chif  1 months back

                                      dennis lloyd

                                      • Sukers
                                        Sukers  1 months back

                                        She dumped me when I thought we were at out Best. I never saw that coming until I called her and she was with another guy and show me her true colors. She pretended for a lot of time since she probably dated the other guy while she was with me. I cant understand how a person can be su hurtful and pretend so well a feeling like love because thats what I thought she showed to me just days before I discovered she was cheating on me. I cant do anything but think about her Its the worst to feel like this.. Hoepfully time will heal me.

                                        • SCL75
                                          SCL75  1 months back

                                          Well this made me feel worse..

                                          “She’s back to the person she needed to be”, yeah... without us together.

                                          • zaFlapJack
                                            zaFlapJack  1 months back

                                            My girlfriend ended our 4 years relationship, and for good reason, didn't cheat on her , but I neglected her and wasn't there for her when she need me the most. It's been almost 4 month now, and I can't get over it, I realized how much she actually means to me, and how much she's done for me, I realized that I truly love her, been trying to get her back , to give me a chance, not to erase what happened, but a chance to win her again. But recently a found out that she's been seeing someone...

                                            • Martine & Mary Hernandez
                                              Martine & Mary Hernandez  1 months back

                                              I’m definitely glad I have had the opportunity to find Love and keep it forever but I had to relearn how to trust in the man who made me feel whole again today I’m so in love with Him 💜💚 and I totally feel loved by him every minute of every day💖❤️💝💞💘💕
                                              Thank You My Love 😍 for loving me and securing Me everyday Our Love Blossoms and grows everyday because WE water it everyday🐧🐞🐸💍👰🏼🔐🥀🍓💯

                                              • common sense
                                                common sense  1 months back

                                                My break up is crushing but needed to happen. We were breaking up and getting back together constantly. It must have happened 25 times. I haven't loved anyone the the way I love him...still. I got to experience the gloriousness of feeling pure love. It wasn't a perfect relationship. He wasn't perfect, but I loved him. Now..I'm feeling lost without him. I wrote out a list of the bad parts of the relationship on my phone. It will take time. I'm glad I got to feel that way about someone.

                                                • llwk78
                                                  llwk78  3 weeks back

                                                  I hope you're feeling better! I wrote the same list (from another Ted Talk :) and am trying to learn what I can and move on. You have a good attitude; I wish you goodness and success with your journey!

                                              • wasp.palace
                                                wasp.palace  1 months back

                                                Just said those four simple words today. That was not fun.

                                                • Matt Hill
                                                  Matt Hill  1 months back

                                                  Welcome to being human, you will survive 🙏🏼♥️

                                                  • Robbie Williams
                                                    Robbie Williams  1 months back

                                                    I was in love then she turned into a meth who're so I believe I'll do ok.

                                                    • Haunah King
                                                      Haunah King  1 months back

                                                      Just got dumped an hour ago and I can't stop crying.

                                                      • Amanda Smith
                                                        Amanda Smith  1 months back

                                                        Adding by subtracting!! 🙋‍♀️👏👏💕

                                                        • Kait Perry
                                                          Kait Perry  1 months back

                                                          I haven’t been with my boyfriend for a long time but it was unexpected. I think it hurt more knowing we didn’t have a choice and that we could have worked if he didn’t have to move away. I miss him, he loved me for who I was, he was the first person to do that for me. I’m scared that I can’t find that again, who can handle my personality in full weight. It’s so cliche but I was worried to lose not only my boyfriend but my best friend, after knowing each other for so many years. He’s still only an hour and a half away, but we don’t have the time for it. I miss you J.M., don’t forget me.

                                                          • Kaitlyn Velez
                                                            Kaitlyn Velez  1 months back

                                                            My relationship was toxic, he gaslighted me, manipulated me, lied and took me for granted. But I loved him so much. I was abused, mentally and physically. He left me a few days ago, and it wasn't the first time he left. But when he finally made the choice to leave, I was relieved. I was a mess. I was angry. I was sad. I had fallen back into a dark state. But I was relieved because he no longer would hurt me. He tried to get back into my head by coming back, but I needed to put my foot down. No matter how much i loved him. I realized I just loved the old him. I am a survivor of an abusive relationship. And no matter how much i still love him. I am relieved he is finally gone.

                                                            • PrettyP1nkUnicorn
                                                              PrettyP1nkUnicorn  1 months back

                                                              Came here from Dennis Lloyd, love the speech!!

                                                              • Kelvin Isibor
                                                                Kelvin Isibor  1 months back

                                                                If you know that you are not ready for a relationship, a marriage, a commitment, why go into one and continue to cheat and lie? I was dying internally for my unfaithful girlfriend , I had no proof, no one to run to. Everyone thought I was paranoid. until I was referred to kellycyberhud @ gmailcom. He understood me well and helped me to hack my girlfriend's mail and WhatsApp to find the truth. I just want to say openly thank you. Contact him today by email at [email protected] He also performs other hacking operations, such as deleting criminal records, upgrading the results. he is that good. You are just a courier to whatever you want.

                                                                • Gunnar Daniels
                                                                  Gunnar Daniels  2 months back

                                                                  Those who identified as happy did the dumping and saw it coming meaning they felt a load has been lifted. People like myself who were with someone over 5 years happily foresaw a marriage and are now hearing they are a burden are who is sad. This video does nothing but affirm that.

                                                                  • Alyson J.
                                                                    Alyson J.  2 months back

                                                                    I’m going through a breakup right now and I genuinely want to die

                                                                  • Hello Jamesy
                                                                    Hello Jamesy  2 months back

                                                                    My Ex Girlfriend who i finished with 5 weeks ago had so many sweet qualities. However she had many bad qualities too. Unfortunately the bad ones out weighed the good and i realised it was time to call it a day and end it. I miss her sometimes but i never let nostalgia take over. You have to remember the bad things that you hated in the relationship because nostalgia will always make you return to that person. Write all the bad things down because in time you will start to forget because your brain only wants you to remember the good times. Not your brains fault it thinks it's helping you when infact in this instance its the good memories that break your heart and hurt you. Write down all the bad memories and just read through them when you're having a tough day. Then get down the gym and smash out a workout routine. This helps me.

                                                                    • nichole atchooay
                                                                      nichole atchooay  2 months back

                                                                      ive been witt my boyfriend for a long time and i jus love him nd we had an arguement yesterday he went back to his house nd its an hour away and i dont know what to do without him cause im with him 24/7 dont eat or dont feel like doing anything i wanna go back to him but he seems to not care anymore he keeps saying no wen i asked him

                                                                      • lynette simmons
                                                                        lynette simmons  2 months back

                                                                        Yes. Thank you. Am out of holding me back relationship. I asked myself why am not happy but now I know.

                                                                        • Tanner Walkowiak
                                                                          Tanner Walkowiak  2 months back

                                                                          My girlfriend just told me that she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore that she had in the beginning of our relationship, so we are taking a break so she can see if dating is something she still wants to do. It’s been really hard for me to find someone who I’m compatible with and I feel like, even though she has flaws just like me, she is the most compatible person I’ve ever met. All my friends see it too. I’m just confused and I want to fight for this but I don’t want her to feel like she has to do this if she doesn’t want to.

                                                                          Any tips from anyone?

                                                                          Also, why do this dudes stick people have penises?

                                                                          • Abbie Cook
                                                                            Abbie Cook  2 months back

                                                                            just remember time heals , take baby steps. You’re allowed to be hurt , allow yourself to cry don’t bottle up your feelings. But remind yourself that you are worthy , you matter , you don’t need that relationship to validate how amazing you are. Small steps and in time you will be fine ❤️

                                                                            • Zeus
                                                                              Zeus  2 months back

                                                                              Thought I was gonna marry my high school gf . But she left me senior year . Been with her since 8th grade . She left me for someone else . It’s Been 2 almost 3 years since she left . I still feel lost

                                                                              • jonathan gholston
                                                                                jonathan gholston  2 months back

                                                                                I’m dealing with the pain of a breakup I never felt any pain like this is my life how do you move forward idk what to do

                                                                                • bob23456 bob
                                                                                  bob23456 bob  1 months back

                                                                                  Brah it’s the worst ain’t it!

                                                                                • Nivi Rk
                                                                                  Nivi Rk  2 months back

                                                                                  jonathan gholston It will take time Jonathan.

                                                                              • Gilbert Rocha
                                                                                Gilbert Rocha  2 months back

                                                                                It’s been over 2 weeks and I still have dreams of my ex witch is the mother of my son. It’s been hard but the best thing you can do is just distract yourself and also remember that God isolates is for a reason. He does it so that we can overcome something so hard and become the best version of ourselves.

                                                                                • Nebula Pi
                                                                                  Nebula Pi  2 months back

                                                                                  Everything is cold 💔
                                                                                  Feeling my head is cold but my heart is burning!!
                                                                                  Im in deep pain..

                                                                                  • Dhruv Sharma
                                                                                    Dhruv Sharma  2 months back

                                                                                    Great 👏👏👏👏👏

                                                                                    • maggie hernandez
                                                                                      maggie hernandez  2 months back

                                                                                      I didn't even get a phone call or a text about him breaking up with me, we were together for a year. I am heartbroken

                                                                                      • Jeremy Snowden
                                                                                        Jeremy Snowden  2 months back

                                                                                        I just took a break from my girlfriend for a few days. I felt sad, then started to feel better and went over to see her. This was a big mistake. I thought I could handle whatever I needed to say to her, but I ended up getting swept back into the emotional charade of promising her that I would stick around. I feel horrible right now, because of the runaround that I've given her due to my own attachment and co-dependency issues and I hope that I can do what's right and finally set her free. I know this will really hurt her, but I feel way too unsettled being here again.