Truth Telling in Relationships, are we There Yet? | Willie Earley | TEDxJerseyCity

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  • Published: 08 February 2016
  • Most people would say that a key component for any successful relationship is honesty. Yet in reality, while in romantic relationships, we often lie to ourselves, lie to each other and often have a fear of disclosing our true selves. Is authenticity real or imagined?


    Willie Earley is a physician with over 25 years of clinical and research experience in psychiatry. He is originally from Chicago, but now resides in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

Comments • 65

  • Letty Saadani
    Letty Saadani  1 days back

    Thank you for your absolute and raw human honesty, it is not comfortable to put yourself out there with such openness. This has helped me see myself more deeply. Best wishes 😉

    • NEW WORLD
      NEW WORLD  1 months back

      Everybody lie but nobody lie like white group on this earth !


      White get liars on level never see anywere...

      • XtincTion Gaming
        XtincTion Gaming  1 months back

        My uncle was drinking beer with his friends and he left his phone right beside his computer i was playing in his computer then my uncles gf called him on his phone i answered then i said my uncle was drinking beer with his friends then when he cameback and ask me i told the truth he was mad so mad that he punched me in the face all i ever did was just to tell him the truth

        • Lynne Manning
          Lynne Manning  2 months back

          I am confused by this talk?? So I think this guy still isn't being honest with himself, even though that's what his talk is entitled. I do think that continuously being unfaithful is a flaw with the ego, I don't think it should be glorified that he is being authentic. He has a problem being intimate. I think that's the authenticity part here, not only to admit your downfall, but do something about it. I hope this isn't the way the world is headed in relationships, but maybe it is. If you can't be faithful to your partner, then just admit it and find people who also can't be faithful, and get together. But how do you ever have a deep relationship based on trust and respect, and those values which hold relationships together. I don't think there are any shortcuts to true INTIMACY.  
          It bugs me that he is sort of glorifying his HALF honesty. I think he's got one half of it figured out, but the other half I was waiting to hear is that he wanted to get help so that he could have a faithful and truly loving relationship with a woman. If you have ever been cheated on, you know how damaging this can be.....Maybe he should be on the other side of this, where he totally falls in love with someone finally, and then she cheats on him......then he will know where his selfish philosophy has a few holes.

          • Mountain path
            Mountain path  2 months back

            Being honest, transparent and living with integrity is the only way to live a life of peace and genuine joy. Cheating, lies, deception and dishonesty in relationships or marriages ultimately scars us and leaves us far from our own true self. We may lie and we may cheat another but we first cheat and lie to ourselves first and foremost. In society today we often cross boundaries and lines that we know we should not cross. We make excuses and find reasons why we done things we know were not going to be good for us in the long term. There are lessons to be learned in our wrongdoing. We learn life is not going to work well for us if we cheat, lie and live in dishonesty. Being genuine and truthful is what makes us a great human being. Authenticity like he says is the best way to be. Ultimately many people stay in marriages and relationships that are not working out of fear that they can't survive on their own
            Many stay for the sake of finances and other stay in it for the sake of society and social standing, children etc.

            • exposez
              exposez  2 months back

              I am impressed by his honesty, he is brave to talk so openly about his life and values that don't fit the norm. He is leading by example and I admire that.

              • MD kayes rony
                MD kayes rony  2 months back

                When we started our relation, he was the loyal one. He did propose me. not i! But, then again, he was the one who dumped me. My world was turning into dark. Moses Emmets YT Channel has become the source of light in my life. Love you guys!

                • Sophia
                  Sophia  2 months back

                  Is he a Scorpio? :)

                  • KMF
                    KMF  3 months back

                    Yeah dude you are one sick puppy. I would never come to you as a psychiatrist.

                    • Heath Wood
                      Heath Wood  3 months back

                      Beautiful message beautifully expressed. Heartfelt compassionate and genuine 👍

                      • Tommie Kelley
                        Tommie Kelley  5 months back

                        This was awesome. I really needed to hear this message before the new year! Thank you for sharing.

                        • Lavender Violet
                          Lavender Violet  5 months back

                          just read a line in a book

                          a memoir...​

                          the writer describing her most recent relationship,​

                          she says that it was (I'm paraphrasing)… all-consuming, and not at all rewarding.​

                          and the above sums up my experience perfectly! ​

                          this is pretty much accurate for almost every relationship I've ever been involved in (thus far).​

                          both friendship and romantic,​
                          Madelaine

                          • Dee Walker
                            Dee Walker  6 months back

                            Grow up and raise your family

                            • Sneha Mallya
                              Sneha Mallya  6 months back

                              The comment thread on this video actually quantifies what he says. Just lovely. ppl do not want the truth. The last dialogue of The Prestige stayed with me.

                              • pray the anime away
                                pray the anime away  8 months back

                                No 1 likes hearing the truth

                                • Mountain path
                                  Mountain path  2 months back

                                  I appreciate the truth. Yes we feel uncomfortable with the truth because it often indicates what we have not been willing to accept and what we refused to change. Truth is inconvenient but the truth can set us free. I remember as a young teenager telling a lie and I remember how it weighed heavily on me. I remember the weeks I was trying to cover up my shame and felt embarrassed and humiliated for telling a lie. It ate me from inside out. I had to come clean as my heart felt heavy and I felt like I was living in misery. The moment I spoke the truth I felt free and I felt a weight lift off my chest. So often people fear the truth and fear change. They are comfortable with the way things have been they don't want to work on things and they don't want to change. Ultimately if we cheat, lie and betray another we first tell the lie and first cheat and betray ourselves. If you wish to live a blessed life and live with peace and joy you cannot lie and cheat and shun the truth.

                              • Son Quatsch
                                Son Quatsch  9 months back

                                6:02 them ted folks and the medical community bout to revoke your MD. great talk though.

                                • yah ha
                                  yah ha  10 months back

                                  One of my favourite ted talks ever. Thank you for your honesty. I hope to live a more authentic life. I am going to really give it a try. I am tired of unhappiness and trying to be someone I am not. Thank you again ❤️

                                  • Holographic Multiverse
                                    Holographic Multiverse  11 months back

                                    What relationships? Women are staying alone and happy 💃

                                    • Edlyn Eidam
                                      Edlyn Eidam  11 months back

                                      I feel like my secret gives me power. Unless if it’s a detrimental secret.

                                      • Juan Rivas
                                        Juan Rivas  9 months back

                                        Edlyn Eidam sorry Edlyn it was key error

                                      • Edlyn Eidam
                                        Edlyn Eidam  10 months back

                                        Also it very difficult to understand no mater what. I live a very different lifestyle, And experience very different things so it would long explanation!!!

                                      • Edlyn Eidam
                                        Edlyn Eidam  10 months back

                                        A magician never tell. 🧐😙

                                      • Edlyn Eidam
                                        Edlyn Eidam  10 months back

                                        Juan Rivas a ma

                                      • Juan Rivas
                                        Juan Rivas  10 months back

                                        Edlyn Eidam pls explain

                                    • Will Jackson
                                      Will Jackson  1 years back

                                      I'm afraid the speaker will miss out on the beautify and depth of committed marriage relationship by thinking that inventing his own way is noble and authentic.

                                      • Yi An Ko
                                        Yi An Ko  2 weeks back

                                        I am afraid your point of view is a lil bit judgmental, not everyone is ready for that regardless of the age, and it is not for everyone, either. He seems to be way clearer of what he wants, which is from his experience, he jumped out of all the social expectation. To me, it is a deeper commitment and more beautiful than the marriage because he knows himself than most of us
                                        Also, he tried to have a commiting marriage relationship in the past but back then he was not ready, you cannot say he will never be ready or by the way he invented, he cannot find the same or greater happiness in life.
                                        But I guess it certainly spares some women heartaches because they don’t have to walk into a great commitment: marriage, with someone who is not ready or not capable of it at all.

                                      • Son Quatsch
                                        Son Quatsch  9 months back

                                        the point though is that is where he is currently on HIS path, and he is remaining true to that. i noticed how you used committed in place of monogamous. monogamy is generally accepted as containing commitment. but commitment does not contain monogamy. perhaps you are the man who stays with his wife in a committed marriage, but could have someone on the side. this is precisely what our speaker decided was not for him.

                                    • Stephanie Bynum
                                      Stephanie Bynum  1 years back

                                      guess it’s true what they say: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree; even after knowing how he was conceived from infidelity, and how it impacted him, he chose to be unfaithful to his wife; and now he gives a Ted talk to rationalize his behavior; if I understand him correctly, it’s okay to be dishonest and hurt others provided you come clean afterwards; I don’t agree. The better choice would have been to be faithful, not selfish, and honest in the marriage to begin with.

                                      • Joe c
                                        Joe c  2 months back

                                        He laughed after he stated he was dating while still married. Verrry remorseful.

                                      • Summer Keith
                                        Summer Keith  4 months back

                                        Stephanie Bynum yes!!!

                                    • Jenn Charles
                                      Jenn Charles  2 years back

                                      Excellent talk. Honest and open about our honesty or lack of.

                                      • Maryam Aidaros
                                        Maryam Aidaros  2 years back

                                        Thank you so much

                                        • MissKuki
                                          MissKuki  2 years back

                                          I appreciate that you Sir are speaking of something that is very personal and doing so via a very public forum but my heart just breaks that your infidelity and the subsequent breakdown of not one but two marriages can be neatly packaged as a 'relationship hiccup'. Life doesn't allow you to perpetrate misery against others for too long and Sir, what you did was wrong

                                          • A Z
                                            A Z  2 years back

                                            Bla Bla Bla

                                            • Laurel Boyd
                                              Laurel Boyd  2 years back

                                              Interesting that this talk is entitled "truth telling in relationships" and we get to hear this man describe his cheating on his wife as "dating" and minimizing his usage of her as "revelatory" in spite of being a psychiatrist ( whose sole job is to help others navigate relationships.) this is the most pathetic talk I've ever heard, and the spin he put on his own failures of character are barely believable. Dude was married twice but couldn't figure out that fidelity is a major foundational pillar of marital relationships? What a piece of work. my heart goes out to his wife and kids.

                                              • Joe c
                                                Joe c  2 months back

                                                And people wonder why America is becoming morally bankrupt. This guy seems delusional.

                                              • Summer Keith
                                                Summer Keith  4 months back

                                                My thoughts exactly!

                                              • Tisha Taray
                                                Tisha Taray  2 years back

                                                Laurel Boyd exactly. Its just to make himself feel bttr abt cheating

                                            • Marsha Creary
                                              Marsha Creary  2 years back

                                              Great points

                                              • Luna L
                                                Luna L  2 years back

                                                "authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who you think you should be and embracing who you are" Brianne Brown

                                              • Legal Services
                                                Legal Services  2 years back

                                                Thank you for being real. You did a great job being authentic here. Sorry to hear that your friend introduced you to the idea of being a bastard. There really is no such thing and no child should be ashamed of something he/she has no control over. I think if everyone was really as honest as you are about monogamy, then perhaps the myth would end. Let's face it, many people cannot be monogamous. I can, but I can accept the fact that others cannot. It is best to find the person that wants the same thing you want. Two people in an honest and open relationship can do as they please. Nothing wrong with that. It is when you want the relationship open for yourself but closed for your partner; that is what causes anger & sense of betrayal. What if you tell your spouse: I want to date others. And he/she says great! so do I!!? If not, then you are free to find someone who does. Try having the courage to be honest for a change.

                                                • Laurie Walker
                                                  Laurie Walker  2 years back

                                                  Who in there right mind would want a man like that , so gross . Honestly

                                                  • Asanda
                                                    Asanda  7 months back

                                                    Right!😲

                                                • Cheryl Davies
                                                  Cheryl Davies  2 years back

                                                  The truth is out there now. Google The Truth Contest and then Click on The Earth Icon and then it gives you the option to click and download the short book Called The Present and it's the most accurate and amazing truth about life and death. Once you are done you can download the longer book Called The Present with Religion!!! Nothing else will ever make more sense!!

                                                  • Erika Porter
                                                    Erika Porter  2 years back

                                                    I loved this Ted talk. His vulnerability and honesty was refreshing and appreciated. I imagine he was quite nervous to get on stage and talk about his failed relationships. This was bravery at its finest.

                                                    I found it insightful, fostering accountability and encouraging.

                                                  • Felicia P
                                                    Felicia P  2 years back

                                                    Thank u

                                                    • Shewit Abraham
                                                      Shewit Abraham  2 years back

                                                      Jesus Christ is the truth and the word of God(bible) is the truth. With kindness and humility. Love ShewitforJesus

                                                      • More Live
                                                        More Live  1 years back

                                                        The truth is though...I do not subscribe to the bible nor believe in religion....respectfully. Society, treats me as an outcast. Most women do not look at my character..they look at what Title I attach with myself in that regard. See, _truth_ can be perceptive a lot of times...

                                                      • Matthew Morton
                                                        Matthew Morton  2 years back

                                                        We speak the same ideas, though we use different tongues, I think this was part of Christs message. I'm amazed when I see people gather around ideas which are SO prevalent in Christianity, meanwhile they completely refuse to go to any church. It really is amazing how the Truth of Jesus's words can cut straight through everything at reach the hearts of EVERYONE, regardless of whether or not we even realize we're doing it! lol

                                                        God bless.

                                                      • Captain Philosophical
                                                        Captain Philosophical  2 years back

                                                        Shewit Abraham thank you for opining one slice of the infinite.

                                                    • Emily Yurcheshen
                                                      Emily Yurcheshen  2 years back

                                                      Thank you Willie for your honesty, vulnerability and authenticity. Many Blessings.

                                                      • Millie Miller
                                                        Millie Miller  2 years back

                                                        SO important. Honesty. Bravery. Looks good on you - it's the conventional path that you walk and the fear to hide that makes everyone hurt and lose respect for you - but authenticity is when things are done right, and honest, and people that love you, and people that deserve your respect, will respect you, will respect your choices, as long as you do them with respect and honestly.

                                                        • René Henriksen
                                                          René Henriksen  2 years back

                                                          Lying is a big problem in the world. Research says that humans lie about 33 % of the time. Some believe it is 90 % of the time because the world couldn´t go on if we didn´t lie. Sad if that is so. If statistics are true then there´s a big contradiction when we say that arguing in relationships is completely normal and developing. Statistics however say that arguing is reason nr. 2 for divorce on the top 10-list. Nr 1 is adultery allthough we as society encourage it. Strange isn´t it?

                                                          • Matthew Morton
                                                            Matthew Morton  2 years back

                                                            Just cause we get divorced all the time cause of arguments don't mean that arguments are "rare", ya feel me? They ARE normal, it's just ALSO normal that most people, sadly, are fuckin terrible at handling arguments and disagreements lol.

                                                            People aren't condoning arguing in relationships, they condone SOLVING the problems which create the arguments, cause in the end, you won't ever stop arguments from happening....but you CAN stop the same ones from happening. And that's growth ;)

                                                        • MelodyOates
                                                          MelodyOates  2 years back

                                                          "True, being ourselves is all we have" . Letting go of who you think you should be, and be who you are. As my father always said " be yourself" which is sometimes the hardest especially when you don't know who that is !!!

                                                          • Lana Isaacson
                                                            Lana Isaacson  2 years back

                                                            So inspiring. Thank you Willie for demonstrating the courage that we all strive for and your hopeful message about how this sets you free.

                                                            • Tien Tran
                                                              Tien Tran  2 years back

                                                              An awesome talk!!!

                                                              • buddhaful11
                                                                buddhaful11  2 years back

                                                                Thank you for your insight and honesty!
                                                                I think that this is a huge issue in our society and for me personally. It is reflected collectively in our divorce rate...and for me, in the number of times I've had to admit that a person was just not right for me because of differing values.

                                                                • Ann Clement
                                                                  Ann Clement  11 months back

                                                                  buddhaful11 z

                                                                • LoveMe,com
                                                                  LoveMe,com  2 years back

                                                                  The video was great it was very well explained and it's so powerful.Great job more videos to come.

                                                                • BiMEs iLL
                                                                  BiMEs iLL  2 years back

                                                                  buddhaful11 .. I commend you...it takes strength... many blessings to you..