Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

  • Published: 16 September 2014
  • This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. We’ve all been dizzy with desire at the beginning of a new relationship. But ask anyone to label that urgent longing and yearning, and you’ll get as many different responses as you will people. How do you know whether the passion and butterflies in your stomach are signs of romantic love or simply lust? Dr. Terri Orbuch will discuss signals to distinguish between lust and love, and how to reignite that lustful desire in loving long-term relationships.

    Dr. Terri Orbuch (aka, The Love Doctor®) is a professor of sociology at Oakland University (Rochester, Michigan) and a research professor at the Institute for Social Research at University of Michigan. She is also the project director of a 27-year study on marriage, divorce, and re-partnering (1986 – present), funded by the National Institutes of Health. She is the author of five books, including, “5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great” (Random House) and “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship” (Sourcebooks). She has been featured in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, GQ, Cosmopolitan, and TIME magazine and has appeared on The Today Show, The Katie Couric Show, ESPN and CNN. Her relationship segments are aired on Fox-TV Detroit and she is a relationship expert for, the largest online dating site for singles over 50. Her national public television program titled, “Secrets From The Love Doctor” aired on public TV stations, beginning in December 2013. Learn more about Dr. Orbuch at:

    About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

Comments • 970

  • steve smith
    steve smith  2 weeks back

    Today's relationships and dating scene are toxic and a damaged goods convention I have no time for such foolishness.

    • Shörlogg
      Shörlogg  1 weeks back

      Not all. You just have to change how you perceive them and develop some respect for you and others.
      First step probably would be to stop seeing at as a "scene"

  • Bob Ravenscraft
    Bob Ravenscraft  2 weeks back

    LUST next question

    • SneZana
      SneZana  3 weeks back

      Thank you! I'll just go and buy the best basketball ball ;) that I can find in one of the countless sports shops in our metropolis ;) and see what is going to happen :) .

      • Krissy Karma
        Krissy Karma  3 weeks back

        Goes into store to buy expensive bottle of GreyGoose.

        Hits 2nd store to buy a long/slim rope

        You can figure out the rest. Thanks for the TedX talk! ⚰️🤦🏻‍♀️🔫

        • Dylan
          Dylan  3 weeks back

          Surely the us of the word "we" doesn't mean there is love

          • James Little
            James Little  1 months back

            We never visit the same restaurant, never go on vacation to the same destination, and take turns planning secret dates/vacations.

            • prabh prabhmeet
              prabh prabhmeet  1 months back

              DD that’s love 🌎

              • Emma Weisz
                Emma Weisz  1 months back

                This is BS

                • ranon banerjee
                  ranon banerjee  2 months back

                  Her face is funny though.

                  • Tiago M
                    Tiago M  2 months back

                    What is love?

                    • Gamma Digamma
                      Gamma Digamma  2 months back

                      I never understood either

                      • claire
                        claire  2 months back

                        None of us is perfect

                        • claire
                          claire  2 months back

                          I don’t see what’s wrong with being in lust

                          • Simin Zheng
                            Simin Zheng  3 months back

                            Am I the only one think this is BS?!

                            • Simin Zheng
                              Simin Zheng  3 months back

                              Am I the only one thing this is BS?!

                              • Mehreen Gul
                                Mehreen Gul  3 months back

                                Great now I have to convince my crush to sit on a roller coaster with me.

                                • VidiSensiVici
                                  VidiSensiVici  3 months back

                                  In our lifetime, we would meet many, but only once in a blue moon we would meet someone who shares like kind energy with us, and we would have so much fun interacting together, talking for hours, having so much fun in bed, and life seemed so rosy. It would be ideal if love flourishes and the person is loyal, then the relationship might go somewhere. What is love? Love is giving or loving without expecting anything in return. It takes lots of love to be loyal to that person through a lifetime and to endure through all struggles and hardships together, a saint perhaps. Could one create lust? I suppose to a certain degree, but it is always ideal to find one who shares like kind energy with us to have lots of fun together.

                                  • Zoey Muana
                                    Zoey Muana  4 months back

                                    Does anyone noticed how huge her neck is ? 😳

                                    • Khalil Bhatti
                                      Khalil Bhatti  4 months back

                                      Khoty di bchi! 🤣🤣

                                      • ToshaDor
                                        ToshaDor  4 months back

                                        Damn it, I hoped my feelings are just lust but it seems to me it’s love -_-

                                        • Dulce Melody Orozco
                                          Dulce Melody Orozco  4 months back

                                          ¿How long does lust last? Because I have been in this stage for 29 years

                                          • Manasi Udgirkar
                                            Manasi Udgirkar  4 months back

                                            what happens when its love from one side and lust from the other? God I'm screwed.

                                            • Edward Elric
                                              Edward Elric  4 months back

                                              The way she speaks slowly is really nice of her to make non native English speaker like me understand completely what she talks. Thank you and it is really an interesting talk.

                                              • Andrew Grimm
                                                Andrew Grimm  4 months back

                                                It's very reassuring to see that a relationship is love, rather than only being lust.

                                                • Zhenya Kaloyanova
                                                  Zhenya Kaloyanova  5 months back

                                                  “Arousal producing activity”. Lol

                                                  • Crymble
                                                    Crymble  5 months back

                                                    This was kinda lame and nothing new, yet presented in a way we were in elementary school and never had touched the other gender. Watched the whole video on 1.25x speed and it was still slow.

                                                    • SalmaX33
                                                      SalmaX33  5 months back

                                                      When she was talking about the onion I thought of shrek

                                                      • Marcelo B
                                                        Marcelo B  5 months back

                                                        WHY NOT BOTH?

                                                        • Jaylinn Herrera
                                                          Jaylinn Herrera  5 months back

                                                          just wanted to be the 1000th comment ✌🏽

                                                          • Tareq 97
                                                            Tareq 97  5 months back

                                                            arabic sub plssssss !

                                                            • John Lalousis
                                                              John Lalousis  5 months back

                                                              Love is above the belt. Lust is below it.

                                                              • richard bedford
                                                                richard bedford  5 months back

                                                                40 years with my last wife she passed away from lung cancer in November. I was at her side until the end. I gushed unashamed tears at her loss. I laid her to rest in a Catholic a mausoleum as she had requested. She looked so beautiful in her casket just another of God's angels ready to be swept up into heaven. For us it was all love I will always love her. Tears of joy love's labors won.

                                                                • Nabriales
                                                                  Nabriales  5 months back

                                                                  Lust is just infatuation. Love is something that GROWS after you spend time with the person. There is no such thing as love at first sight.

                                                                  • Isabella Arden
                                                                    Isabella Arden  5 months back

                                                                    she looks like Angela from the office

                                                                    • Georgiana Rus
                                                                      Georgiana Rus  6 months back

                                                                      So it's not love at the first sight, it's lust at the first sight..

                                                                      • magdelima
                                                                        magdelima  6 months back

                                                                        nothing more powerful than " I felt in love by what I created about you in my mind"

                                                                        • First Last
                                                                          First Last  6 months back

                                                                          I prefer both.

                                                                          • Nataly Velokova
                                                                            Nataly Velokova  6 months back

                                                                            It has been my experience that it takes at least six months for a new person's real personality to begin to leak through. It seems as if everybody lies about everything until they quit caring about what the other person thinks.

                                                                            • Rajie Music
                                                                              Rajie Music  7 months back

                                                                              I think the only thing you can say with any kind of authority is whether someone's love is justified given the circumstances, not try to define what that person is feeling or not feeling based on a set of arbitrary definitions and rules.

                                                                              • Rajie Music
                                                                                Rajie Music  7 months back

                                                                                Who makes up these definitions?

                                                                                • Evelyn Scott
                                                                                  Evelyn Scott  7 months back

                                                                                  Well lust is a thing for desire and pleasure not friendship or love.

                                                                                  • Vincen Cohan
                                                                                    Vincen Cohan  7 months back

                                                                                    Lust wont last long.... love will lasts

                                                                                    • milanetc
                                                                                      milanetc  7 months back

                                                                                      a little bit reductive....

                                                                                      • A LEPTA
                                                                                        A LEPTA  8 months back

                                                                                        I can tell that her husband cheats on her. No one else could stay with her for that long.

                                                                                        • ᄋᄌᄋcallmeusagi-chan

                                                                                          Lmao my man and I have been together for over a year and its definitely love....... but yes I have all my stuffed animals on the bed 😂

                                                                                          • SA TA
                                                                                            SA TA  8 months back

                                                                                            The red flags you’re ignoring in the beginning are the things that break the relationship later.

                                                                                            • Welt Rogg
                                                                                              Welt Rogg  8 months back

                                                                                              No I don't know that! I'm 30 year old and I never had a girl. This video is very painful.

                                                                                              • K Taylor
                                                                                                K Taylor  8 months back

                                                                                                I don't think she understands love. It's more than the physiological bonding and wanting them to meet your family and friends.