Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

  • Published: 18 November 2015
  • People may know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, but most don’t know how to get one. Psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila describes how you can create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the things that lead to unhealthy ones using three evidence-based skills – insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Share this with everyone who wants to have a healthy relationship.

    Dr. Joanne Davila is a Professor of Psychology and the Director of Clinical Training in the Department of Psychology at Stony Brook University. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
    Dr. Davila’s expertise is in the area of romantic relationships and mental health in adolescents and adults, and she has published widely in this area. Her current research focuses on romantic competence among youth and emerging adults, the development of relationship education programs, the interpersonal causes and consequences of depression and anxiety, and well-being and relationship functioning among lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals.
    Dr. Davila is a Fellow in the Association for Psychological Science and the Incoming Editor (2016-2022) for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
    Dr. Davila also is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in evidence-based interventions for relationship problems, depression, and anxiety.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 817

  • Muzzy337
    Muzzy337  20 hours back

    Idealistic nonsense is not the basis for a healthy relationship. Social media has adulterated the relationship arena. It teaches people how not to be themselves. Unrealistic expectations are now the norm because facebook tells you so. Feminism has destroyed femininity. Instead of boy meets girl, we now have power struggle meets power struggle. Marriage vows mean nothing. Divorce statistics are abysmal. Are those who stay married truly happy? It's doubtful.

    • Anna Tóth
      Anna Tóth  2 days back

      I love so much these example how to formulate our feeling and communicate them in a nice way! Do you know other similar videos? I mean with exepmles and similar phrases?

      • Dave Underwood
        Dave Underwood  2 days back

        This is all good in theory. To people that are socially engineered, it's blablabla.

        • Master Augmented Production


          • Nadia Michelle
            Nadia Michelle  3 days back

            Intimacy,, security, respect, good communication, a sense of being valued.
            On the bad side: fighting too much, not being able to go to your partner for support, contempt, hostility, violence.

            The problem: Do you know what to do on a day to day basis to create that healthy relationship?

            1. Know what you need and want from a partner and a relationship
            2. Choose the right partner
            3. Having a good set of skills


            1. Insight.
            2. Mutuality
            3. Emotion Regulation

            • Smacy
              Smacy  3 days back

              Is it just me or does this talk put the onus on women primarily to “regulate their emotions”?

              • David E.
                David E.  4 days back

                I got distracted by that light in her nose

                • Jack Obrein
                  Jack Obrein  5 days back

                  Intamacy doesn't exist. People play each other for resources.
                  Social protocols are bulid around this.
                  Because I have no resources I have never been married.
                  Women have no desire to live in abject poverty.

                  • Becca B
                    Becca B  5 days back

                    I need to improve emotion regulation.

                    • Camila Camaleon
                      Camila Camaleon  6 days back

                      Choose the right partner? Falling in love is unexpected, is an unplanned event!

                      • Dr. Brian Jude de Lima, PhD

                        One of the best and informative Tedx talks

                        • Mike McKay
                          Mike McKay  1 weeks back

                          Are these relationships really worth it? I’m happiest going solo and not having to constantly bending to the needs of others. It’s exhausting. Humans are very complex and to think two people are going to mesh together is unrealistic. Most people who are married aren’t very happy. Especially the husband. I’ve never heard a man say how much he liked being married. Not once. And I’m 60 years old.

                          • The Overthinker
                            The Overthinker  1 weeks back

                            I must be super into this guy, for me to start doing research on how to love him better <3

                            • Mister Smith
                              Mister Smith  1 weeks back

                              Great talk.

                              • Reichieru1
                                Reichieru1  1 weeks back

                                But then there are people who are not compatible with anyone. What hope is there for people like me?

                                • Zahid H Khan
                                  Zahid H Khan  1 weeks back


                                  • Laura Monteiro
                                    Laura Monteiro  2 weeks back

                                    Too repetitive and focused on telling that people need help to find the right partner and create a healthy relationship but not really giving any concrete advices. Statistics we can get from google we don’t need someone on a stage to tell them. Also all the examples she gave were with women as if they needed a relationship and learn about relationships more than men. A research with teenage girls that showed the ones engaged in a romantic relationship and having physical contact with (very likely) guys were less depressed and less insecure?? Wtf! What about the teenage BOYS?? It only encourages those sexist comments that women too stressed or depressed need a MAN or a D***! And the example of the necklace as a gift?? Just pathetic. You’re living in the 1950s woman!

                                    • Natacha Adam
                                      Natacha Adam  2 weeks back


                                      • Elohi Silver
                                        Elohi Silver  2 weeks back


                                        • Beth Jones
                                          Beth Jones  2 weeks back

                                          Thank you for this. I only recently learned that I a highly sensitive/empath and it's thrown me for a loop. At the same time, it's comforting to start understanding my characteristics and that I do not weird, it's just who I am. I'm starting to learn more and understand so I can better know myself and use my gifts because people are drawn to me as a part of their healing. I appreciate everything you shared - it all resonated and rang so true.

                                          • 2jah Salomon
                                            2jah Salomon  2 weeks back

                                            Free above all.

                                            • Kandela Brown
                                              Kandela Brown  2 weeks back

                                              Ugh, another horse faced woman yapping about relationships.

                                              • Donnie Luc
                                                Donnie Luc  3 weeks back

                                                Having a relationship is like flying a submarine!
                                                Right? ... I know.

                                                • Carol gardner
                                                  Carol gardner  4 weeks back

                                                  Soft skills are of vital importance. People need to practice effective communication principles. Interpersonal relationships teaches us insight , reasoning and logic, emotional intelligence and empowers us. Yet school system is all about grades.... teach communication skills for humanity.

                                                  • moldy cassette
                                                    moldy cassette  4 weeks back

                                                    wet mouth

                                                    • Suzaine Suzata
                                                      Suzaine Suzata  4 weeks back

                                                      I am toxic girlfriend but still my bf loves me and he is with me. But i am trying my best to fight with my relationship anxiety 😉

                                                      • Ma ya
                                                        Ma ya  4 weeks back

                                                        I dont like that they label people who want non-monogamous relationships as "not ready to settle down" as if they were in any way behind people in monogamous relationships.

                                                        • Farzher
                                                          Farzher  4 weeks back

                                                          OR don't waste your life and don't put yourself in a relationship

                                                          • Madhra AL
                                                            Madhra AL  4 weeks back

                                                            Fight for fun...conduct it relationship ends

                                                            • Person-centred Therapy - Tim Harvard

                                                              Hmm, a relationship based on a to-do list. Sounds more like engineering than love, or life. Where's the unique, authentic, individual person in any of this?

                                                              • Jaz Najiyaah
                                                                Jaz Najiyaah  4 weeks back

                                                                Are there books to learn about romantic competence?

                                                                • Jennifer Gonzalez
                                                                  Jennifer Gonzalez  4 weeks back

                                                                  Also need to teach in schools that having a relationship is OPTIONAL, that no one is required to be an item with anyone. That way, people who are in a relationship feel like they’re there because they ~want~ to be there, not because they have to be. And so people who aren’t in relationships don’t feel insecure about not doing what everyone else is doing. Just a thought

                                                                  • Kimberly Page
                                                                    Kimberly Page  4 weeks back


                                                                    • Pera P
                                                                      Pera P  1 months back

                                                                      Nice Video! Forgive me for chiming in, I would love your initial thoughts. Have you heard the talk about - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (do a search on google)? It is a smashing exclusive product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the normal expense. Ive heard some awesome things about it and my best friend Jordan after many years got great success with it.

                                                                      • Evan Schaeffer
                                                                        Evan Schaeffer  1 months back

                                                                        I wish I would’ve known these things sooner.. now I have to practice this.. I hope it works out for me..

                                                                        • Z zz
                                                                          Z zz  1 months back

                                                                          I am glad i am still single at 29 yrs, so I still have a choice to make :P

                                                                          Amazing speech!
                                                                          Her spouse must be the happiest man as well!

                                                                          • {{{{KÉ SiNGS}}}}
                                                                            {{{{KÉ SiNGS}}}}  1 months back

                                                                            Great talk, but "you're not ready to settle down so you need a partner who's ok with that"....I laughed at that, kind of an oxymoron. Anyway, I enjoyed the rest of the video.

                                                                            • TheLastScampi
                                                                              TheLastScampi  1 months back

                                                                              I keep hearing this mysterious word.

                                                                              • Brando Miranda
                                                                                Brando Miranda  1 months back

                                                                                Is there a book related these teachings/research?

                                                                                • LISA CH LEDERGERBER
                                                                                  LISA CH LEDERGERBER  1 months back


                                                                                  • Alexandre
                                                                                    Alexandre  1 months back

                                                                                    It is simply a contradiction to have the words 'healthy' and 'romantic' in the same sentence...

                                                                                    • PV 222
                                                                                      PV 222  2 months back

                                                                                      Bravo , very good talk !

                                                                                      • Nickietha Moriah
                                                                                        Nickietha Moriah  2 months back

                                                                                        true but we as human being r not willing to compromise in relationships

                                                                                        • mariam zarrad
                                                                                          mariam zarrad  2 months back

                                                                                          This is an incredible guide! For a robot...

                                                                                          • Silvia Rizzolo
                                                                                            Silvia Rizzolo  2 months back

                                                                                            please marry me!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                            • Sushmita Mannie
                                                                                              Sushmita Mannie  2 months back

                                                                                              Thanks I needed this!

                                                                                              • M S
                                                                                                M S  2 months back

                                                                                                What do you do if you're not ready to settle down .. but still want your partner there?

                                                                                                • Lessons In Life
                                                                                                  Lessons In Life  2 months back

                                                                                                  Sometime if you want to improve your relationships, the simplest strategy is to fully engage in each conversation, without doing any of the distracting activities. Awesome video 😍