How being heartbroken was the best thing to ever happen to me: Emma Gibbs at TEDxSouthBankWomen

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  • Published: 07 January 2013
  • Emma Gibbs is a writer, producer, organiser and storyteller.From dystopian futures and undersea adventures to marriage equality and other matters of the heart, Emma's passion is to tell truly great stories across all platforms.

    In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

Comments • 822

  • Clear Clear
    Clear Clear  3 days back

    The intermittent love bombing, then pulling away, and confusion creates a dependency much like an addiction. Hormones, chemicals and behavioral conditioning create a dependency. It takes two to tango and until the chain reaction is broken, the codependency will grow. Toxic bond.

    • My name Spelled backwards is Disney

      Heartbreak made lose so much weight. I would eat very little as my appetite goes straight out the window.

      • Lusiana UH
        Lusiana UH  1 weeks back

        He didnt fought me, and it fell apart

        • cryptocoinscafe
          cryptocoinscafe  1 weeks back

          What the heck, a writer!? Why not Sports Illustrated???

          • Deja Mich
            Deja Mich  2 weeks back

            Yes he wouldn't fight for me. All he did was talk and talk and talk about my ex married best friend. And always take her side. I left him because he just didn't care, I was just a convenience for him, as I did everything for him. Its been 2.5 years that I left but I still have minimal contact with him, at the moment I am ghosting him as it is better for me mentally. But his new gf which is my ex best friend, said something about me, which was a lie. I told him as I am quite an honest person that she was lying and man did he get mad, in which my reaction was to laugh at him, then he even got angrier. He said I was a bad person for picking on her and her family, which I decided to not have any contact with as they always encouraged her and him to get together even when he and I were together, why would I remain in contact with them.

            • Mohini dasi
              Mohini dasi  2 weeks back

              😟 dis is Exactly my Experience

              • Reet ks Miss elegance
                Reet ks Miss elegance  2 weeks back

                But my heart was liein to me ...all that time I was thinking he loves me too but his actions showed me he doesn't..his ego won

                • alexis
                  alexis  3 weeks back

                  7:01 - 7:15 .. I felt the pain in her throat. I felt those words so deep. I felt that so much. It hurts so much..

                  • Siva Rajamani
                    Siva Rajamani  3 weeks back

                    i cried with her...

                    • Emily Lopez
                      Emily Lopez  4 weeks back

                      So much clipping with the sound. Hard to listen!

                      • miloni mithani
                        miloni mithani  4 weeks back

                        Hi Emma. Can I please connect with you on email or another platform ? I really would like to share something and it sbery important as its miserably horrible ! please for once ?

                        • Top Notch Home Solutions

                          Amen

                          • Native Eastender
                            Native Eastender  1 months back

                            Such a great talk. When people that are supposed to love you don't even fight for you, it's a clear sign that they just don't love you enough. That means it's not your fault - the relationship was always going to fail because there was not a mutual investment. Realising this is so helpful. I can finally get the closure I need concerning certain relationships. Thank you!

                            • Nojood
                              Nojood  1 months back

                              Marriage is much better than having a relationship outside marriage.
                              I think relationships are just a waste of time.
                              If women did not give a damn about relationships they will evolve in the scientific field.

                            • lloyd dsouza
                              lloyd dsouza  2 months back

                              Damn she spoke from her heart 😊 it's painfull when the other half don't correspond to your effort or does not even show signs to try work the realationship ! Good hope you are at a better place Emma Gibbs 💓

                              • Kath Irn
                                Kath Irn  2 months back

                                will this great things happend to me... :C

                                • New York Room Rental
                                  New York Room Rental  2 months back

                                  Great talk Emma! Been there, done that. It's a GIFT that he rejected me. Now I don't even remember what I saw in him in the first place, and am quite disgusted with myself sometimes when I think of certain details. They remind me of MY state of being at the time and is not anything I blame him for. More superficial pointless things in addition are his unpleasant body odor, his untidiness, very bad morning breath - ah well, hygiene was not his strong point - I'm a cleanliness -focused person. These are smaller things, however for me is part of what I place in high value as they reflect much (not everything).


                                  More important is the character elements. He was otherwise a decent person. But I was not in love with him; just the IDEA of being in love in the midst of incredible loneliness and a deep need for validation as a woman. I didn't fix either at the time. The "heartbreak" opened a big wound, which when healed eventually, became an incredible portal to UNDERSTAND and STAND for my worth as a person. To value another as I would like to be valued, and most importantly - to up my standards, both for myself and for who I should allow in that capacity in my life.


                                  I thank that heartbreak because I KNOW if it had become a relationship, it wouldn't and couldn't have worked out. We were incredibly incompatible - even as "friends". He had zero intellect, and one of the most boring people you could come across - narrow and self-centered in a way that was pitiful. All this was extremely clear to me the next time I saw him a few years later. He was still the nice guy, but I realized that he was not for me for the best reasons. I have nothing against him at all, and will be forever pleasant when and if I see him next. Also because I am grateful that the universe did not put upon me such a potential disaster in my soul. The heartbreak was the gift I needed to find myself to the next juncture with humility and willingness to understand just how amazing I am by myself.


                                  When and if the right person walks with me, they will find a particularly happy woman. And I am open for such a person. I am not at all bitter, am DEFINITELY BETTER! Emma, I wish you the same contentment in self, and joy in discovering your self-worth without ANY material crutches. A person's soul is more powerful than the wind, if you let it be!

                                  • Neil Bhartia
                                    Neil Bhartia  2 months back

                                    Being in a breakup is one of the best things that can ever happen to someone. It gives you a moment to reflect on yourself.

                                    • Renee Quirk
                                      Renee Quirk  2 months back

                                      Fix the audio.

                                      • Inês Amaro
                                        Inês Amaro  3 months back

                                        My story in a nutshell...

                                        • Dame Lewis
                                          Dame Lewis  3 months back

                                          This is an excellent talk. I’ve always thought that pain is a great teacher. It’s also the easiest to deny. The reality is that is sits in a corner waiting for any one of us to acknowledge it. Doesn’t matter how long it takes.... it will wait because you GOT to come... and YOU WILL‼️‼️ I’m going to listen to this again a few times because this chick is speaking to me✔️✔️✔️👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽‼️‼️💯💯💯

                                          • JetDriver1111
                                            JetDriver1111  3 months back

                                            I would have fought for you Emma...It's his loss my dear !!

                                            • ante mjeda
                                              ante mjeda  3 months back

                                              You are one brave, gentle and beautiful woman

                                              • phoenix rising
                                                phoenix rising  3 months back

                                                Challenges (like "I don't want to fight to have you in my life") are blessings in disguise: you've been spared. Nothing to be sad about.

                                                • Jeanette Perez
                                                  Jeanette Perez  3 months back

                                                  I watched this 3 years ago while experiencing my 1st heartbreak. rewatching this today, and while still hurting, i realize how long I've come. thank you, emma, for opening your heart to us. hugs from the states. how i wish to have a coffee and give you a big 'thank you' hug. i wish you much joy in your journey. <3

                                                  • T. C.
                                                    T. C.  3 months back

                                                    My heartbreak is from the male perspective. My (now ex) wife and I have two beautiful sons together and I was planning on us being together forever, someday enjoying grandchildren and a comfortable retirement (we'd saved and invested responsibly together for 15+ years). Much like the speaker here, she is extremely beautiful, and I loved her deeply.

                                                    I kept in shape for her, I supported her career, even though it required her to travel a lot (and this was while I was balancing a demanding, lucrative career of my own and two young sons), did all the little things like hugs, back rubs, foot rubs, told her daily how much I loved her and how lucky I felt to have such a beautiful woman as my wife. About year 11-12, I could tell something was not right as she slowly became more and more closed off. Well, long story short, one day she approached me with the words so many married men are hearing these days, "I'm not happy and I want a divorce." I asked her to please let's try couples counseling and she obliged, but I could tell the entire time (about 4-5 months total), her heart wasn't really in it, so we eventually divorced.

                                                    As it turned out, she'd been having an affair for the entire last year of our marriage (aided by the aforementioned work travel). I only found that out afterward because she ended up breaking it off with that guy about a year after our divorce and he, being a narcissistic lunatic--with gov't access to private records--emailed me and her parents a track record of all their torrid emails, travel records and gifts exchanged over the prior 2+ years. I have no idea if there were other affairs prior to that one, but it doesn't really matter at this point.

                                                    If you have no kids with an ex, count yourself lucky because at least you can deal with your heartbreak by walling yourself off from that person and never seeing him/her again. For the kids' sake, I have to maintain a congenial parenting relationship with this woman who broke my heart and took away my dream future. It's easily the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. Five years later it still hurts.

                                                    • Chris Schaeffer
                                                      Chris Schaeffer  1 weeks back

                                                      I can relate, although we have kids between us we don't together. I haven't uncovered the affair but me gut tells me so. Her interaction and face have revealed subterfuge. I don't have to know the who why or what for its the same as you. I have walled her off. She isn't nice, cool,loving sweet or all of that and more, like people think. To be able to build an exit strategy over a couple of years w/o regard to your husband, his family and friends is cold calculating narcissism at best and deviant, low down, underhanding socialpathic least.

                                                  • N Mee
                                                    N Mee  3 months back

                                                    Whoa this is me

                                                    • VidiSensiVici
                                                      VidiSensiVici  3 months back

                                                      The meaning of true love is to love or give without expecting anything in return, So if we really love the person that much, then we have to let the person go, and we would feel so free.

                                                      • be. The art of living YOU

                                                        NO ONE defines your self worth but YOU! She still cries when she speaks of the rejection and says you start to question your self worth. Look at this gorgeous, capable, intelligent women letting someone (that for whatever reason is not capable of loving her the way she deserves) set her value. That is the true meat to why heart ache hurts so bad it is the feeling of rejection/lack of self worth. If we could just accept and understand that NO ONE can reject us, that it is our own pain and conditioning that allows rejection to enter our hearts then we could get over this pain. Here is something I wrote on heartache in hopes to help others... (Regarding heartache) why does this bring me pain? It's the rejection. And why do I let someone else define me? If someone in their present state is not capable of accepting my love why does it have to be about me? About my value? Conditioning. That is why. Conditioning from my past, from my experiences, from my beliefs. None of which are truth, none of which I have to accept as truth. My experiences created thoughts that I choose! When I saw how my parents loved each other (not in a healthy manner) I accepted this as how love is. It is not truth only a thought/belief I decided to accept. So stop feeling the pain of rejection and lack of self worth those are only thoughts you are choosing and not truth. You are of value! You are worthy! You do matter! Others lack of love (pain, fear) is not your burden to carry. It is their own path for them to hopefully learn and grow from but not meant for you to internalize. So release this pain, let them go and with them an understanding that we all have our own paths. Be grateful for the lessons your interactions have granted you along the way. May a part of your love stay on in their hearts to give them courage and sustenance on their journeys. May you know that love always starts from within and that is where you will find your true worth, where you will find love truly resides. For until we can love ourselves no one can truly love us because if we are accepting of lack we will never be accepting of love.

                                                        • Rose Known
                                                          Rose Known  4 months back

                                                          This gives me hope, finally I came to a realisation I need help 🤕 i was selfish for trying to end my life

                                                          • Shray
                                                            Shray  4 months back

                                                            Anyone else experiencing issues with the audio?

                                                            • AliceFrank
                                                              AliceFrank  4 months back

                                                              Wow, this really hit home. I was in a long distance relationship for a year and she seemed perfect. 7 weeks ago I quit my job and moved halfway around the world to be with her. 1 week ago, I flew back home with a broken heart and I feel lost. We broke up amicably as we could both see that long term fundamental differences meant we wouldn’t work out but it is excruciating to have your expectations and hopes come crashing down around you. Now I’m back to step 1 and for the first time in my life I don’t know where my future is going. I hope things work out for me like they did for her.

                                                              • Andres SanÖrt
                                                                Andres SanÖrt  5 months back

                                                                U are so strong to shared your experience to the world. Thank U

                                                                • usehername
                                                                  usehername  5 months back

                                                                  Who did the sound

                                                                  • rvz77
                                                                    rvz77  5 months back

                                                                    I think that marriage equality is the reason he left.
                                                                    Smart man.

                                                                    • Fulla Disney
                                                                      Fulla Disney  5 months back

                                                                      same to you .

                                                                      • Happy Day
                                                                        Happy Day  5 months back

                                                                        Oh Nooo my heart is broken again😪I can not live with out love and I won't believe boy again💔ـOh God help me

                                                                        • D s
                                                                          D s  5 months back

                                                                          I know how she feels my wife didn't fight for the marriage and walked away it left my crushed for months once I move I hope it will all start looking up.

                                                                          • Jennifer Won
                                                                            Jennifer Won  6 months back

                                                                            OH MY GOSH. 7:29. ME TOO. OH MY GOSH :o That's what got me out of bed eventually!!

                                                                            • Jennifer Won
                                                                              Jennifer Won  6 months back

                                                                              7:04 oh my dear... I know how that feels. Thank you for sharing your story of empowerment and courage, Emma. I can relate to you so much.

                                                                              • [TallGreyMan]
                                                                                [TallGreyMan]  6 months back

                                                                                Really hate it when these local TED talks don't get their lapel mic sound right. So annoying.

                                                                                • Sandra Jardin
                                                                                  Sandra Jardin  6 months back

                                                                                  Thank you so much for this video I can feel how painful it is I’ve been betrayed and cheated just one week ago and it really sucks because we love each other so much but it’s not enough for him to fight for me..and watching so much video to make me better I don’t wanna stay broken

                                                                                  • Jess Monica
                                                                                    Jess Monica  7 months back

                                                                                    Wow, I feel that. So you were prepared to leave your home and everything behind to be with him but he wouldn't do the same for you? Doesn't sound like he was worth it anyway. Perhaps the visa situation was fate. Some things are just meant to happen.

                                                                                    • Juan Jose
                                                                                      Juan Jose  7 months back

                                                                                      someone needs to learn proper use of gate in compression

                                                                                      • Sarah Mallas
                                                                                        Sarah Mallas  7 months back

                                                                                        This’s the best talk I’ve ever heard. So great & real

                                                                                        • Wazzle Workout Tracks
                                                                                          Wazzle Workout Tracks  7 months back

                                                                                          Having another person to be a source of your happiness is crazy.

                                                                                          • John kawabunga
                                                                                            John kawabunga  7 months back

                                                                                            I cried throughout all of this!

                                                                                            This helped me put my life in a different perspective.

                                                                                            • Ken Chen
                                                                                              Ken Chen  8 months back

                                                                                              I wouldn't say heartbroken is the best thing but it can be a good thing. It hurts you but also teaches you to see relationships in a new way. If reconnecting doesn't work,don't try it again. Everyone just needs time to heal.