Searching for love to escape ourselves | Hayley Quinn | TEDxUniversityofNevada

  • Published: 12 February 2016
  • Love, sex and dating are often venerated as 'the ultimate goal of life'. However how much of our quest for love is about avoiding being with ourselves? About facing reality? About creating our own direction? And in running away from ourselves in love, do we ultimately avoid the work needed to return to selfhood that will actually bring us happiness.

    Hayley Quinn is the UK’s leading Dating Expert and has helped 100,000’s of men and women re-think their love lives.

    A graduate in English and Psychoanalysis from UCL Hayley set up her own company as a reaction to encountering the ‘pick up artist’ culture and working as a ghost writer for characters from the New York Times bestseller ‘The Game’.

    An advocate of real life dating skills she’s used her websites ([]), and her online member’s clubs to show people that there’s more to life than meeting someone than Tinder.

    She’s been a featured expert for numerous international TV shows and has had a Channel 4 Cutting Edge documentary ‘BiCurious Me’ based around her explorations into sexuality and relationships. She has also written for Cosmopolitan, the Independent, the Telegraph and regular provides social experiment vlogs to news sites.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 1 065

  • Shawnay Warren
    Shawnay Warren  3 days back

    You're looking at a millennial right here.😒

    • M J
      M J  3 days back

      Her words are SO on point.

      • علي المنصوري

        The content is not supported by any scientific studies. In fact , there is another video on TED about lonelyness that mentions some scientific studies and the gist is :
        - lonelyness increases heart diseases by 29% ( more than obesity)
        - Lonelyness increases strokes by 32%
        - Lonelyness increases Dementia by 100%
        The tittle was "All The Lonely People".

        • Stephen
          Stephen  6 days back

          I always say to people, "If I were to write a book about love, the first chapter would be about loving yourself."

          • Shawn J
            Shawn J  6 days back

            I feel she is saying - You have to be happy with yourself .

            • Oakheart
              Oakheart  1 weeks back

              Just wanted to see the talk to comment that I know who you would be in the DC Universe.

              • marcus
                marcus  1 weeks back

                have a listen on youtube to vernon howard

                • ModernVince
                  ModernVince  2 weeks back

                  hot. hooooot. HOT. HOOOOOOOOOOOOT. SHES HOT!!!!!

                  • Tactics-MNK
                    Tactics-MNK  2 weeks back

                    Law of nature. If you don’t respect yourself, you will get no respect. It is within. I’m not religious, but open to the possibility this life is a dream. And not the goal but the “dream” of life is to become lucid. Play with life, don’t believe every thought you have. I’m rambling because I’m drunk, but I believe that’s when I’m more clear. We’re all reaching and we will never stop doing that, unless we try. What ever happens it’s okay. Trust life. Trust and believe. That’s the one thing I, and probably a lot of other people, need to practice and make my own. Trust. Believe. It’s okay. Bless.

                    • Daniel Carvalho Liedke
                      Daniel Carvalho Liedke  2 weeks back

                      This is for sure the best video I have ever seen in YouTube.

                      • K JH
                        K JH  2 weeks back

                        Hayley loved this. I totally related and am usually having flings for months then time alone for months - it doesnt matter as ive grown in these times and enjoying choosing myself again. Whom ever is meant to stay around will do 😊

                        • P Hughes
                          P Hughes  3 weeks back

                          It sounds like she dated Russell Brand! I wonder why it didn't work out?

                          • Anatole Navarro
                            Anatole Navarro  3 weeks back

                            Thank you I needed this

                            • abhishek kumar
                              abhishek kumar  3 weeks back

                              How can u break up with girl like her?

                              • Sade Metsävirta
                                Sade Metsävirta  3 weeks back

                                guys are so cold....

                                • carinnify
                                  carinnify  3 weeks back

                                  "When you can just be, I kind of feel like that's real love." The ending really touches my heart :(

                                  • Stranger By The Minute
                                    Stranger By The Minute  3 weeks back

                                    Teenage Mutant Ninja HERO Turtles?
                                    Girl. No.
                                    Fantastic talk though! =P

                                    • Natasha woodward
                                      Natasha woodward  3 weeks back

                                      Similar to my sad story

                                      • Madea Simmons
                                        Madea Simmons  3 weeks back

                                        You are a child.

                                        • Madea Simmons
                                          Madea Simmons  3 weeks back

                                          He left you because you have issues.

                                          • Madea Simmons
                                            Madea Simmons  3 weeks back

                                            Was your perfect man poor?

                                            • Reisnaor Anda
                                              Reisnaor Anda  4 weeks back

                                              Thank you so,so much

                                              • Reisnaor Anda
                                                Reisnaor Anda  4 weeks back

                                                Thank you

                                                • Elise Gross
                                                  Elise Gross  4 weeks back

                                                  Thank you

                                                  • Cee Dee
                                                    Cee Dee  4 weeks back

                                                    Tim McGraw and Faith Hill that's real not fake!!!

                                                    • Angelica Gaitan
                                                      Angelica Gaitan  4 weeks back

                                                      This is what I needed!!!!!! Thank you

                                                      • Monica Garza
                                                        Monica Garza  1 months back

                                                        I’ve worked on myself for years now but still have not found a great match much less a long term relationship. I’m tired of dating and getting disappointed . So frustrating that others can find their person so much easier than me! Lol Tired of living alone- hopefully one day that will change!

                                                        • Bhargavi Dutta
                                                          Bhargavi Dutta  1 months back

                                                          I don't know why self confrontation and self awareness comes with a heart break, why doesn't it happen before anything bad happens?

                                                          • dd pp
                                                            dd pp  1 months back

                                                            Ted talks r bs

                                                            • yellooh
                                                              yellooh  1 months back

                                                              So many choices

                                                              • Newromantic999
                                                                Newromantic999  1 months back

                                                                Wrong. Searching for love to share ourselves. Sharing is the most beautiful feeling.

                                                                • Ina Pfitzmann
                                                                  Ina Pfitzmann  1 months back

                                                                  wow thank you for sharing

                                                                  • xkx
                                                                    xkx  1 months back

                                                                    This talk is so raw and beautifully honest. Thank you Hayley for sharing this. I know hundreds of women that are going through the same thing right now who are now more aware of the destruction they are causing to themselves by focusing on love for escapism.

                                                                    • faminaexmachina
                                                                      faminaexmachina  1 months back

                                                                      This is great. I am a bit awestruck, as these are all things that I’ve been figuring out on my own right now. It feels great to have someone with an audience articulate some of the actualizations, thoughts and feelings I’ve been having this past month. A month in. I am trying this zero dating thing out. Gonna give it at least a year. I already feel so different. It’s horrible and painful but the good days and the light bulb moments make it all worth it.

                                                                      • RM Aldueza
                                                                        RM Aldueza  1 months back

                                                                        Great message. I love her accent. 😊

                                                                        • Lindsay Elliott
                                                                          Lindsay Elliott  1 months back

                                                                          I feel like I just love looking for's like a drug I can't get enough your so right it's a form of escapism ..I feign for attention I crave it so that I feel good enough and there's also the fear of being alone

                                                                          • Savannah Boyd
                                                                            Savannah Boyd  1 months back

                                                                            Not many people want to hear this truth

                                                                            • Savannah Boyd
                                                                              Savannah Boyd  1 months back


                                                                              • Haley Wilkerson
                                                                                Haley Wilkerson  1 months back

                                                                                Very inspirational

                                                                                • Muayyad Karadsheh
                                                                                  Muayyad Karadsheh  2 months back

                                                                                  I'm on one-year cold turkey; it feels great. I think it helps to figure out what you like/ not like in a person, and what you want in your life. I actually love the alone time. I don't have to deal with all the drama in a relationship hahah. When she said being okay with a book and cooking soup alone.. I was like ahaha yeah exactly. I feel that and I know what she means.

                                                                                  • gentle chimmy
                                                                                    gentle chimmy  2 months back

                                                                                    I literally have never seen/heard a worse audience. Communication regarding speeches/talks includes both the speaker and the audience. This really burns me up for some reason. Lovely and important talk from an intelligent, honest person. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

                                                                                    • Rayan Saad
                                                                                      Rayan Saad  2 months back

                                                                                      If only her name is Harley

                                                                                      • si si
                                                                                        si si  2 months back


                                                                                        • Athena Onyx
                                                                                          Athena Onyx  2 months back

                                                                                          I was in what many people would consider to be a toxic relationship off and on for the last year, and I learned more about myself from the whirlwind he put through than I could have learned in a decade alone. I really don't see how someone loses themselves in a relationship. I learn more about myself from interacting with other people than I would ever learn just sitting at home. For one thing, you really don't know how you'll feel until the chips are down. You might think you'll respond one way, but the reality is that when its happening to you might feel quite opposite. The biggest thing I learned was I don't need a lot of stuff, if anything stuff was weighting me down.

                                                                                          • 5HINee property of Lee Taemin

                                                                                            She absolutely hit the nail on the head 💯 That was awesome, insightful and truthful. She was so funny and interesting. Make such a great friend I bet!

                                                                                            • Navneet kaur
                                                                                              Navneet kaur  2 months back

                                                                                              Sometimes you feel a need for someone in your life to escape the pain you have in your life rather than facing it...but the best way to escape pain is feel me and us needs to learn to be with yourself when we do so we will find the happiness, we don’t need anyone else to make us happy!

                                                                                              • D
                                                                                                D  2 months back

                                                                                                It is really hard to go thru life and not want the 'romantic' ideals that are pumped into our brains thru movies, etc... Feeling alone - with a family who doesn't really accept who you are, and dating a closeted bf who get's weirded out when things in the relationship get real and having to relocate for work every few years can ALL catch up to you. I have really had a hard time self -realizing that its not the partner that will complete me or family... soon hopefully tho it will happen.

                                                                                                • World Of Forms
                                                                                                  World Of Forms  2 months back

                                                                                                  This helped me a lot, thank you!