Communication is ruining your relationships | Beth Luwandi Lofstrom | TEDxGustavusAdolphusCollege

  • Published: 05 April 2017
  • STOP TALKING; How your communication is actually ruining your relationships (and what to do about it)

    Luwandi Lofstrom, a 1992 graduate of Gustavus, is a private practicing psychotherapist from Cincinnati, Ohio, who works with couples and individuals to navigate the most painful of human experiences. She has been discussed at PsychCentral, is a regular presenter on love, loss and relationship in the Cincinnati area, and has a podcast, Midlife Love Bytes.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 42

  • Jonathan Hoffman
    Jonathan Hoffman  6 days back

    Empathy, Respect, Connection
    1. I feel...
    2. I want...
    3. Can you help?

    • Stephanie Agnew
      Stephanie Agnew  1 weeks back

      "You can take a no; you're already taking it."
      She's good.

      • Lisa C
        Lisa C  2 weeks back

        "Get more love!" spoken like someone beautiful who men want to love. Any advice for the rest of us? Lol.

        • Kenneth Petty
          Kenneth Petty  2 weeks back

          Agree with previous comments. Poor choice of title for a super excellent talk with a diamond of wisdom. Succinct, pithy, powerful, practical, and wonderful. Excellent work!!! Thanks for sharing with the world!

          • E5PY
            E5PY  3 weeks back

            Ironic title

            • B Michael Fenley
              B Michael Fenley  4 weeks back

              Communication is ruining your relationships. .... well okay dernit. We’ll quit communicating. The irony and credibility.

              • Aleks Kinclara
                Aleks Kinclara  4 weeks back

                Love this. So clean and simple.

                The pattern of communication
                she is promoting seems just like what we normally do when we don’t feel a strong need to control the outcome. “I feel hungry. I want to get a pizza. How about you?” (Then observe.) It gives the other person space to weigh in. For me, the challenge is to be aware when I want to control the outcome - and then realize I cannot really do that - so consciously avoid the domination pattern.

                Practicing this in many contexts not only makes me a better friend or partner, it also (through observation) leads to a better selection of friends, partners, and even service providers.

                • Sarah Walker
                  Sarah Walker  2 days back

                  Wow, that's an awesome observation. Thanks for the tip!

              • GeePez
                GeePez  4 weeks back

                Wood, J. T. (2016). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters. Cengage Learning, Boston, MA. (really good book about communication)

                • Damien H
                  Damien H  4 weeks back

                  That was fantastic. Valuable info.

                  • Steel Man
                    Steel Man  4 weeks back

                    Lost interest 3 minutes in

                    • Elliot Nunez
                      Elliot Nunez  4 weeks back

                      As the the 9th kid of 12. Conflict resolve is easily my most impressive skill...

                      • Love Lee
                        Love Lee  4 weeks back

                        I think your onto something, amd women REALLY need to hear it. So do men but women will really relate.

                        • Grant Burris
                          Grant Burris  1 months back

                          I've listened as some women talk to their husbands. Sometimes I want to say, Who died and left you in charge? The compassion is just absent. It isn't easy to have a corrective conversation with your mate. It is a challenge. For some, it is a challenge to talk with anyone without exhibiting the "I'll tell you what you can do" mode. Attitude determines altitude. That works with planes and conversations. Most people could develop their conversational ability by working in a customer service job for a while.

                          • Maria Malicek
                            Maria Malicek  1 months back

                            I love this woman she is honest and straight up!!!

                            • Stephanie Agnew
                              Stephanie Agnew  1 weeks back

                              Maria Malicek and she wants to respect others as human beings!! It's nice to know other people also appreciated her message! :-)

                          • Jenna Ryan
                            Jenna Ryan  2 months back

                            Great speech!!!

                            • Denike Owolabi
                              Denike Owolabi  2 months back

                              Why does it sound a little manipulative to me.......or should I say pity seeking.....
                              "Oh look- I'm vulnerable, Pity Me and give me a positive response"

                              • Tim Dolch
                                Tim Dolch  2 months back

                                Why doesn’t this video have more views and likes?

                                • Rather C
                                  Rather C  2 months back

                                  You are sincere and down to earth. Some Ted Talkers try to make us all saints, of course it is a big turnoff. You gave simple examples of sharing feelings and be vulnerable. Thanks.

                                  • Miss K
                                    Miss K  2 months back

                                    Thank you, this is what I needed to hear! I hope this helps me with my family

                                    • Kody Hunter
                                      Kody Hunter  2 months back

                                      I'm guilty of gridlock

                                      • Janey Lane
                                        Janey Lane  5 months back

                                        The title definitely needs to change. She is still talking about learning how to communicate on a different level. Perhaps "Communication Tips for Healthier Relationships"

                                        • Esel
                                          Esel  6 months back

                                          why is she not confident? she looks so nervous.

                                          • Andrew Jones
                                            Andrew Jones  7 months back

                                            I like it. It seems she needs more time to explain it than she had. It's actually very challenging to word it this way. To own that "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" "I want" instead of some appeal to expectations, and can you help me? Instead of "you should".

                                            • Tim Dolch
                                              Tim Dolch  2 months back

                                              Andrew Jones I think it is a habit you can work on by journaling these kind of statements to yourself. The same kind of practice that helps with overcoming childhood emotional neglect and alexythymia. Building up the self-awareness and practicing careful choice of words with yourself works just like training for emergency preparedness, so that instead of reacting you can let the training “take over” as they say.

                                          • Andrew Jones
                                            Andrew Jones  7 months back

                                            I like it. It seems she needs more time to explain it than she had. It's actually very challenging to word it this way. To own that "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" "I want" instead of some appeal to expectations, and can you help me? Instead of "you should".

                                            • ALZHEIMERDINGER
                                              ALZHEIMERDINGER  8 months back

                                              This is a combination of truth and cringe...

                                              • steven townsend
                                                steven townsend  8 months back

                                                This was erotic...find the visual

                                                • scott sanger
                                                  scott sanger  8 months back

                                                  women have no idea how to just be.........everything is group think.

                                                  • Bethany Mo
                                                    Bethany Mo  1 months back

                                                    Grant Burris I don’t think too much discussion causes the end of the relationship. I think issues are already present that are causing reason for discussion (and without proper communication skills, these discussions CAN be more hurtful to the relationship than helpful. But not having them is just as harmful because then that means there are unaddressed discomforts in the relationship that will grow into resentment.) healthy relationships often have discussions, but they are more like conversations than lectures.

                                                  • Grant Burris
                                                    Grant Burris  1 months back

                                                    That is because most are not there to 'figure it out'. Most are there to figure out how to blame someone else. Compassion is the key to most all this stuff. Too much discussion can be the kiss of death.

                                                  • Elizabeth Collins
                                                    Elizabeth Collins  6 months back

                                                    scott sanger Not all of us have that problem. The part I hate most in relationships is all the incessant “talking” and “figuring out”. I’m not a fan of sitting around sharing feelings and I hate people being in my business. Just let me be and get outta my face. Ya know? 👌

                                                • Kaepora Gaebora
                                                  Kaepora Gaebora  8 months back

                                                  I don't like the title because I don't think it's true, but I like what she says. This is all in the way you're communicating.

                                                  • Michael Rumble
                                                    Michael Rumble  8 months back

                                                    Communication is what’s wrong with relationships... The communication your talking about is the communication that is after the marriage is already over,they just don’t know it yet.

                                                    • Ashmeed Mohammed
                                                      Ashmeed Mohammed  3 weeks back

                                                      i personally dont want to put the effort in, and i think a lot of people arent honest enough to say that. or at least, they dont want to put as much into it as they need to. ur supposed to give more than u get, but people want to see thier actions, their input, returned to them.. they want to see the value back for what they invest. its fair, but thats not how relationships work.

                                                  • Yang Li
                                                    Yang Li  1 years back

                                                    I feel... and I don’t like/like it or I want to. ... What I want in my life is ... what do you think? Can u help with it?

                                                    I’ll try with friends and boyfriend

                                                    • Ben M
                                                      Ben M  1 years back

                                                      Can you show me how to feel love?

                                                      • Milan Clefas
                                                        Milan Clefas  2 years back

                                                        TEDx is ruining your minds

                                                        • Forgotten Legacy
                                                          Forgotten Legacy  1 years back

                                                          Milan Clefas Please explain how. Also cool grox guy I love spore.

                                                        • Milan Clefas
                                                          Milan Clefas  2 years back

                                                          Still a half too much.

                                                        • Aditya Roy
                                                          Aditya Roy  2 years back

                                                          Half yes and half no.