Suffering in Silence: The Emotional Abuse of Men | Dr. Timothy Golden | TEDxWallaWallaUniversity

  • Published: 10 June 2016
  • Dr. Golden shares how men can overcome the pain of emotional abuse.

    Timothy J. Golden is Professor of Philosophy, Legal Studies Program Coordinator, and Director of the Donald Blake Center for the Study of Race, Ethnicity, and Culture at Walla Walla University. His areas of specialization are 19th and 20th Century European Philosophy, African-American Philosophy/Critical Race Theory, and Philosophy of Religion/Philosophical Theology. He is the author of two books currently under contract and the editor of two other books, also under contract. He teaches courses at WWU in each of his areas of specialization. Dr. Golden's career in academic philosophy is his second career. He has also been a criminal defense lawyer in Philadelphia, Pa. His law degree is from the Thurgood Marshall School of Law, and his Ph.D. in philosophy is from the University of Memphis. He enjoys acting and cooking.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 1 382

  • Crimson Skies
    Crimson Skies  1 days back

    After watching this i broke down i still have tears in my eyes life has beaten me down and just hearing this brought out everything thank you for your story and i pray that my brothers (all men everywhere) can get the help they need and stay strong your not alone instead of demeaning yourself know your life means so much more than a statistic

    • Glorious Content
      Glorious Content  3 days back

      He sounds like Kermit with way more testosterone.

      • SeraphimTheOrthodox
        SeraphimTheOrthodox  3 days back

        They were unsuccessful at shaming my ability to cry because it's so strong I never found a way I could stifle it, which is damned inconvenient in public when you're a guy no matter how "healthy" it is. On the other hand, one young Pastor confided to me years ago how much he "wished he could cry". My mother hated my infancy due to my "collicky" crying. However as I grew she had a laundry list of things she hated "about" me. I didn't realize mother was mentally ill with NPD until my thirties when I had an inexplicable "meltdown" as years of narcissistic abuse had made me mentally ill too.and I decided to seek therapy. But I digress. I still cry when I need to and I know that's a good thing.

        • Andrew C.
          Andrew C.  3 days back

          This is a very moving and valuable talk, Professor Golden. Thank you!

          • Sami Gebremichael
            Sami Gebremichael  4 days back

            I get bullied a lot and I see a lot of girl not getting bullied .because society think men can handle themselves

            • TWeK Gaming
              TWeK Gaming  4 days back

              I agree that men should talk emotions, but I also know that you need to loose weight if u wanna stay alive and not get a stroke or something. I think it’s important to help ur partner to loose weight and help keep each other healthy.

              • Ston
                Ston  5 days back

                I survived the abuse of an overt and a covert narssist on my job. Both women.

                • coby PORSCHIFER
                  coby PORSCHIFER  5 days back

                  My experiences been if I do show my emotions to my woman or talk to her she loses all respect for me . Complains about not sharing My feelings with her. Very Bizarre women's thinking trying to constantly set men up . I've read a lot of research saying this is a evolutionary thing. A way for her to check if hes gonna be able to take care of her ? A lot of them had flat out said . Your dealing with a child. Painful

                  • robert wilkinson
                    robert wilkinson  6 days back

                    As a Spartan society would say," come back with your shield or it." Men in that time came back mostly on their shields.

                    • robert wilkinson
                      robert wilkinson  5 days back

                      +Ston even though women said that to a Spartan soldier. Yet if a soldier was considered a coward, he must be returned on shield and the men must sing of his valor. Spartan women encouraged boys to have loyalty and heroism in their souls. Men made boys to suffer, reminding them that such things they were born into only lead certain outcomes. It was rare for a Spartan warrior to die as an old man in his bed.

                    • Ston
                      Ston  5 days back

                      A Spartan woman said that. Spartan women were feminine and sensual but strong. Great mothers produce great men. A Spartan boy complained that his sword was too short. His mother said,"hold out your sword. Take a step foward. Now, it's long enough."

                  • The MGTOW Monk
                    The MGTOW Monk  1 weeks back

                    Glad I am MGTOW.

                    • RandomCat
                      RandomCat  1 weeks back

                      “that man is me”

                      *top 10 anime phot twists*

                      • Marissa Gomez-Davis
                        Marissa Gomez-Davis  1 weeks back

                        UNITED STATES

                        • Victor Yang
                          Victor Yang  1 weeks back

                          it’s hard to fight the unseen battles. battles that are not of the physical plain. unfortunately death is the only option some see as a path.

                          • josh parenteau
                            josh parenteau  1 weeks back

                            Definitely growing up I felt like I was looked down upon for displaying emotions or trying to talk about feelings, you have a pressure to just man up and grin and bear it.

                            • Rick Sanchez
                              Rick Sanchez  2 weeks back

                              278 cunts disliked this video.

                              • S B
                                S B  2 weeks back

                                I know this is three years old, but I just watched this, and on several occasions, I wanted to break down and cry. My story exactly.

                                • Glen Lepeska
                                  Glen Lepeska  2 weeks back

                                  I now have realized I was in a emotionally abusive relationship - and she is psychologist herself. The jealousy was insane. The fights where I SCREAMED at her saying that she could do no wrong, and it seemed it was always me. The snod remarks. How she twisted everything around making me feel like I was the abuser. Thank God we broke up (she "discarded" me). Well, I posted a fairly lengthy, to the point of the 3+ years I was with her to support group. One reply really stuck out. The posting woman told me that it was a covert passive-aggresive narcissist. I dismissed it at first. Because I felt like a category 5 emotional hurricane. Until I started researching the topic. It read so many articles, other men's posts and found some very good youtube vids. And then I 'woke' up. But before I did all of this, the weeks after the 'discard', I actually conteplated suicide really. But, I found the help through the on line support group and that opened my eyes. It took me almost 3 days, I then felt all the hurt, anger just seemed to dissapate. I went from anger towards myself to having actual pity for her. I found an article called "Reactive Abuse" - Once I read that, man that changed my thoughts. But, since my ex is a psychology professor at a local college, I have the feeling she has confided in one and making me the bad guy. I am now in therapy myself. And, he thinks this is true. He said I am a 'empath' - go figure. Hang tight, you're not alone. I never thought this would happen to me. All the signs were there. Starting with "Love-bombing", the "Devaluation" and then "Discard". My story is long. For the 3+ years, I felt she had me at an "arms distance length" from her. I felt I never knew her. The remarks she made. Introducing me to her professional colleagues as her friend. Never partner. Her denials of any wrong doing. And, the big one - NEVER apologized for anything - only once.

                                  • Eustace T
                                    Eustace T  2 weeks back

                                    Surely his wife became a 300 pound land whale, got tattoos and cut her hair short as soon as she got him to sign the marriage contract. Probable criticized him for not making enough money as all those other men in her past. And she has the nerve to criticize him?

                                    • Ty2k83
                                      Ty2k83  2 weeks back

                                      Eustace T one way or another, she has imperfections and apparently fails to realize that she does. I hope he has moved from her. She wasn’t fulfilling her wifely duties. I really wish he would have showed a picture of her.

                                  • JGKilla
                                    JGKilla  2 weeks back

                                    My old professor at west Chester!

                                    • J Allen Wilson
                                      J Allen Wilson  2 weeks back

                                      Thanks for your testimony. However I feel that it is not enough. I have service related one understands me. I was taught that men do not cry, but oh, oh God how I weep inside. How much longer Lord I pray...not much longer can I endure the pain.... But I am a man, and I must stand...well spoken

                                      • THE WAKE UP ARTIST
                                        THE WAKE UP ARTIST  2 weeks back

                                        set speed on 1.75 and thank me for the time saved

                                        • Mustacho Mangler
                                          Mustacho Mangler  2 weeks back

                                          Every female i know family/friend/partner thinks that they have it worse but this man proves no you girls don't. We men suffer so much.

                                          • Jefff TV
                                            Jefff TV  2 weeks back

                                            Everything for Everyone all leads up to one thing... Death

                                            • Jardo 34
                                              Jardo 34  2 weeks back


                                              • Team Heartless
                                                Team Heartless  3 weeks back

                                                This..... it doesnt have to be through marriage. Friends family and coworkers also have this effect. At the moment I'm sitting in my van in front of a river watching this video. And it's taking every ounce of strength not to drive forward. All because of an explosion of rage I'd been suppressing for a while because of this.

                                                • Vergil
                                                  Vergil  3 weeks back

                                                  great voice

                                                  • The Real Ephriam
                                                    The Real Ephriam  3 weeks back

                                                    i was so blessed by the video it really helped me in a sense because everything that you said is me. i am currently going through the same situation

                                                    • Nicholas Valera
                                                      Nicholas Valera  3 weeks back

                                                      Thoroughly enjoyed this, what a great voice. Thanks Tim

                                                      • QuinneBEAR Mangum
                                                        QuinneBEAR Mangum  4 weeks back

                                                        Mothers dont teach sons the diff between lil girls and real women

                                                        • QuinneBEAR Mangum
                                                          QuinneBEAR Mangum  4 weeks back

                                                          Nah the world doesn't care unless you doing something you make it care this is how tyrants are born
                                                          ... but shouts out to Thanos

                                                          • Joseph Christian Lebaquin

                                                            youre telling my story.

                                                            • Ty2k83
                                                              Ty2k83  4 weeks back

                                                              I'm wondering what physical flaws other than selfishness, inner beauty, impatience and lack of motivation that his wife has she is not considering that he is tolerating. Bottom line, nobody's perfect Mrs. Golden. Not even you, not even close

                                                              • Jon R
                                                                Jon R  4 weeks back

                                                                This was eloquently put. You don't have to be married to suffer this sort of abuse. It can happen in your childhood as it happened to me. You can believe in equality as well as understand that women are as equally flawed and culpable of horrible abuse as men are. The lopsided narrative has got to change. Men suffering abuse at the hands of egomaniacal careless women should keep telling their stories. Bravo to this man for telling his.

                                                                • Mr Man
                                                                  Mr Man  1 months back

                                                                  Most.of my friends marriages.

                                                                  • MST. 13
                                                                    MST. 13  1 months back

                                                                    Wow, that was truly a powerful speech. My girlfriend left me and emptied our entire house while, I was at work trying to provide the life she wanted. I’ve never felt so worthless and empty. Yet unable too share my feelings, because we’re just expected to continue as if all fine. “Men don’t cry” I don’t care about race any man watching this, you are all my brothers.

                                                                    • IxceIX
                                                                      IxceIX  1 months back

                                                                      Finding a video as helpful as this makes sifting through all the noise on youtube worth it.

                                                                      • Sidial Elmo Jino
                                                                        Sidial Elmo Jino  1 months back

                                                                        I saw the thumbnail and I thought that Ice cube would appear. I am disappointed.

                                                                        • Mario
                                                                          Mario  1 months back

                                                                          i didn't know ice-T gave ted talks.. only joking great speech DR. Timothy Golden

                                                                          • I ROAM ALONE
                                                                            I ROAM ALONE  1 months back

                                                                            Only femanazis would thumbs down this video

                                                                            • I ROAM ALONE
                                                                              I ROAM ALONE  1 months back


                                                                              • Kyle Mouttet
                                                                                Kyle Mouttet  1 months back

                                                                                this hit me pretty hard
                                                                                one of my relationships was like this.
                                                                                i'm still broken from what i experienced.

                                                                                • K Cla
                                                                                  K Cla  1 months back

                                                                                  This make me so sad ! My whole marriage was like this. My issues with emotional abuse a work were also like this. My mother was a narcissist ... U know how that works! This video has inspired me to do something.

                                                                                  • elis ford
                                                                                    elis ford  1 months back

                                                                                    You are a good man, I am there now. I began to realize I had no value a number of years ago. I have researched everything I could to help me understand why I have no value. my marriage of 55 years now is ending and I worked to be the man who kept his marital oath to love, provide and protect. Everything began to culminate when I began to try to find joy and happiness that had eluded me since as a small child as best I could remember. I found I was empty, everything was given away or taken from me and I had nothing, it was all gone. I had stretched to be a giver actually looking to find people who needed where I could give, it brought little lasting joy. Love was not being returned to me. Where was the profit for me?  I still try to give where I can, thinking I might bring joy to others, but where is the return for my 55 years of fulfilling my oath to a woman. She has even turned my children against me, for what, for my beliefs. No Value.

                                                                                    I hope you find love and companionship, a good woman who wants to bring you her appreciation, love, honor, and obedience (which is her respect for your provision and protection and most of all, your love.) I know what you say is real and also, men should protect themselves with prenuptial.

                                                                                    • davy boy
                                                                                      davy boy  1 months back

                                                                                      This sounds harsh for you. You might investigate MGTOW and the redpill community on YouTube, men who have realized that Western society dupes men into serving women and the state, and who are no longer prepared to be seen as providers nor get married. A revolution is happening that the mainstream media are ignoring. Keep telling your story, men need to hear it.

                                                                                  • John Mcpake
                                                                                    John Mcpake  2 months back

                                                                                    Mines is a toxic relationship

                                                                                    • SpotterSky
                                                                                      SpotterSky  2 months back

                                                                                      Thank you for this amazingly powerful and important speech and that you show such great courage and strength, Timothy.

                                                                                      • ra lor
                                                                                        ra lor  2 months back

                                                                                        It's no wonder the highest rate of criminals and suicides are males. This is not a man's world's, life is very hard on men. They are not allowed to live carefree and express their basic needs for love and understanding the same as women. I hope I can give my son a life different too this..

                                                                                        • Frank Furlacker
                                                                                          Frank Furlacker  2 months back

                                                                                          I was born male but I am not a man.

                                                                                          • SuperRegic
                                                                                            SuperRegic  2 months back

                                                                                            I really like his voice